Chapter 13: H3 U+ m( j  C+ ?

0 P9 Y/ h! c* T! Z1 J |情感论坛 | Chinese
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# P5 I: j' @. }' z, f, o! d: e- Lfz86.love.topzj.com'YOU got here almost as quickly as we did, ' said Prudence.fz86.love.topzj.com. u6 n2 K2 d  ~4 |4 y- p) Z4 D( M

1 n% D. q7 N) V1 w- m$ l+ d'Yes, ' I replied mechanically. 'Where's Marguerite?'
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+ ~7 i" O" `9 Afz86.love.topzj.com'In her apartment.', Z4 W. Y# R: w6 g9 d: O- Q) @

. m- C9 x$ |! I, p7 a5 Ufz86.love.topzj.com'By herself?'
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; l$ z7 Q& F0 [: Z) K 风中小筑听雨轩'With Monsieur de G.'0 ]5 f2 t% e/ u% B+ X

8 H# @- X. x& B, j2 n) iI strode up and down in her drawing-room.
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3 C5 D3 d4 B6 ~3 R$ H9 E. K'Whatever's the matter with you?' 风中小筑听雨轩9 T$ i6 o; A0 a) W7 z: ~5 m

1 X4 u2 l4 v( g* U* {' H'Do you imagine I think it's funny waiting around like this for Monsieur de G to come out of Marguerite's?'
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'You're being unreasonable too. You must understand that Marguerite can't show the Count the door. Monsieur de G has been with her a long time now; he's always given her a lot of money. He still does. Marguerite spends more than a hundred thousand francs a year; she has huge debts. The Duke sends her whatever she asks him for, but she doesn't always dare ask for everything she needs. She can't afford to fall out with the Count who gives her around ten thousand francs a year at least. Marguerite really loves you, my dear, but your affair with her mustn't get serious both for her sake and yours. Your allowance of seven or eight thousand francs wouldn't be anything like enough to pay for her extravagance; it won't even run to the upkeep of her carriage. Just take Marguerite for what she is ?a good- hearted, lively, pretty girl. Be her lover for a month, two months. Give her flowers, buy her sweets, pay for boxes at the theatre. But don't go getting any other ideas, and don't go in for silly jealous scenes. You know what sort of girl you're dealing with: Marguerite's no saint. She likes you, you love her, leave it at that. I think you're foolish to get so touchy! You have the sweetest mistress in the whole of Paris! She receives you in a magnificent apartment, she's covered in diamonds, she needn't cost you a penny unless you decide otherwise, and you're still not satisfied. Hang it all, you expect too much!' |情感论坛 |+ Y  p! |8 A6 P" s2 |! T

3 M- Q0 |* j0 x) | |情感论坛 |'You're quite right, but I can't help it. The thought that this man is her lover is agony.' fz86.love.topzj.com1 q0 {4 `. H9 `* c5 H6 y9 z3 Y$ Q

0 I* N* B: N0 ]" X' N5 ?fz86.love.topzj.com'To begin with, ' Prudence went on, 'is he still her lover? He's just a man that she needs, that's all. |情感论坛 |" }1 Z5 X/ q6 }0 g2 Q% b

5 F' ~( R0 V  SFor two days now, she's closed her door to him. He came this morning. She had no alternative: she had to accept the tickets for the box and say he could escort her. He brought her home, he came up for a moment, but won't stay, or otherwise you wouldn't be waiting here. All very natural, as I see it. Anyhow, you don't mind the Duke?'
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'No, but he's an old man, and I'm sure Marguerite isn't his mistress. In any case, a man can often put up with one affair, but not two. Even so, the ease with which he tolerates such an arrangement can look suspiciously calculating. It brings anyone who submits to it, even if he does so out of love, very close to people just one step beneath who make a business out of submitting and a profit out of their business.' & [. E9 }3 t( j- {% ?5 D

8 J6 H: ~6 y5 T6 n; M- \'Ah, dear man! How behind the times you are! How many times have I seen the noblest, the most fashionable, the wealthiest men do what I now advise, and they have done it without fuss or shame or remorse! It happens every day of the week. How do you imagine all the kept women in Paris could carry on living the kind of lives they lead if they didn't have three of four lovers at the same time? There isn't a man around, however much money he had, who'd be rich enough to cover the expenses of a woman like Marguerite by himself. A private income of five hundred thousand francs is a colossal fortune in France; well, dear man, a private income of five hundred thousand francs wouldn't do it, and here's why. A man who has an income like that has an established household, horses, servants, carriages, hunting estates, friends; often he is married, he has children, he keeps a racing stable, he gambles, travels and a lot more besides. All these habits are so firmly rooted that he cannot drop them without appearing to be ruined and becoming the talk of the town. All in all, with five hundred thousand francs a year, he can't give a woman more than forty or fifty thousand in any twelve months, and even that's a great deal. So other lovers must make up the woman's annual expenditure. With Marguerite, it works out even more conveniently. By a miracle of heaven, she's got in with a rich old man worth ten millions whose wife and daughter are both dead and whose surviving relatives are nephews with a lot of money of their own. He gives her everything she wants without asking anything in exchange. But she can't ask him for more than seventy thousand francs a year, and I'm sure that if she did, then in spite of all his money and his affection for her, he would say no.
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1 D+ t/ d; y4 l+ e) @ |情感论坛 |'All those young men in Paris with incomes of twenty or thirty thousand francs, that is with barely enough to get by in the circles they move in, are all quite aware, when they are the lovers of a woman like Marguerite, that their mistress couldn't even pay the rent or her servants on what they give her. They don't ever say that they know. They just appear not to see anything and, when they've had enough, they move on. If they are vain enough to want to provide for everything, they ruin themselves like idiots, and go off to get themselves killed in Africa, leaving a hundred thousand francs' worth of debts in Paris. And do you imagine that the woman is grateful? Not a bit of it. The very opposite. She'll say that she sacrificed her position for them, and that as long as she was with them she was losing money. Ah! all these dealings strike you as shameful, don't they? But it's all true. You are a nice boy and I couldn't be fonder of you. I've lived among women like these for twenty years, and I know what they're like and what sort of stuff they're made of. I wouldn't want to see you taking to heart a caprice which some pretty girl has for you. 风中小筑听雨轩$ T  a. x3 G+ x% E  R* n$ \& ?! U

7 [; u$ Q& Q3 a. w& K5 ^$ v4 Y5 i 风中小筑听雨轩'Anyway, on top of all that, ' Prudence continued, 'let's say Margurite loves you enough to give up the Count and even the Duke, if the Duke should find out about your affair and tell her to choose between you and him. If that happened, then the sacrifice which she'd be making for you would be enormous, no question about it. What sacrifice could you make to match hers? When you'd had enough of her and didn't want to have anything more to do with her, what would you do to compensate her for what you'd made her lose? Nothing. You would have cut her off from the world in which her fortune and her future lay, she would have given you her best years, and she would be forgotten. Then you'd either turn out to be the usual sort and throw her past in her face, telling her as you walked out that you were only behaving like all her other lovers, and you'd abandon her to certain poverty. Or else you would behave correctly and, believing you had an obligation to keep her by you, you'd land yourself inevitably in trouble, for an affair such as this, forgiveable in a young man, is inexcusable in older men. It becomes an obstacle to everything. It stands in the way of family and ambition which are a man's second and last loves. So believe me, my friend, take things for what they are worth and women as they are, and never give a kept woman any right to say that you owe her anything whatsoever.' 风中小筑听雨轩/ b" C3 J7 T' D+ @

9 f6 h0 c7 f0 R; ^$ K  G5 w 风中小筑听雨轩All this was sensibly argued, and it had a logic of which I would not have thought Prudence capable. I could think of nothing to say in reply, except that she was right; I gave her my hand and thanked her for her advice. fz86.love.topzj.com6 Z$ q. U5 O* Q% I

4 @7 C" o9 l5 t- H: p 风中小筑听雨轩'Come, come, ' she said, 'now just forget all this gloomy theorizing and laugh. Life is delightful, my dear, it all depends on the prism you look at it through. Listen, ask your friend Gaston. Now there's someone who strikes me as understanding love as I understand it. What you've got to realize ?and you'll be a dull lad if you don't ?is that not far from here there's a beautiful girl who is waiting impatiently to see the back of the man she's with, who is thinking about you, who is keeping tonight for you and who I'm sure loves you. Now come and stand by the window with me, and we'll watch the Count leave: it won't be long now before he leaves the field clear for us.'
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8 O( _  b( f8 t; x* U. l) a2 [ 风中小筑听雨轩Prudence opened a window and we leaned on our elbows side by side on the balcony.
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2 D4 \$ f4 p- X. U* D# I: f$ ^" GShe watched the occasional passers-by. I stood musing. / X1 T" V$ }8 S$ ~
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Everything she had said reverberated inside my head, and I could not help admitting that she was right. But the true love I felt for Marguerite was not easily reconciled with her arguments. Consequently, I heaved intermittent sighs which made Prudence turn round and shrug her shoulders, like a doctor who has lost all hope of a patient.
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'How clearly we see how brief life is, ' I said to myself, 'in the fleeting passage of our sensations! I have known Marguerite for only two days, she has been my mistress since just yesterday, and yet she has so overrun my thoughts, my heart and my life that a visit from this Count de G can make me wretched.'
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0 w! |7 M5 F9 h# P1 RFinally, the Count emerged, got into his carriage and drove off. Prudence closed her window. ) M$ K* E5 c5 T1 k

! e  {1 n$ L' s: eAt the same instant, Marguerite was already calling us.
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'Come quickly, the table is being set, ' she said, 'and we'll have supper.'
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When I entered her apartment, Marguerite ran towards me, threw her arms around my neck and kissed me with all her might. fz86.love.topzj.com% L4 q* N& d+ x& j! H# x4 T
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'Are we still grumpy, then?' she said to me. fz86.love.topzj.com( A' T0 I& G7 p& ~  h( |
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'No, that's all finished with, ' answered Prudence, 'I've been telling him a few home-truths, and he's promised to be good.'
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'Wonderful!'
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' x8 ]; ]' r3 |# Zfz86.love.topzj.comDespite myself, I cast a glance in the direction of the bed. It had not been disturbed: as for Marguerite, she had already changed into a white dressing-gown.
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* a- o6 H. L0 g* A4 p( ufz86.love.topzj.comWe sat down at table.
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" F) {$ d$ m# V+ g  mCharm, sweetness, high-spirits ?Marguerite had everything, and from time to time I had to admit that I had no right to ask anything else of her, that many a man would be happy to be in my shoes and that, like Virgil's shepherd, I had only to partake of the easy times which a god, or rather a goddess, held out to me.
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: g' O/ j  m5 e) |. T* SI tried to put Prudence's theories into practice and be as gay as my two companions. But what came naturally to them was an effort for me, and my excited laughter, which they misunderstood, was very close to tears.
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At length, supper ended and I remained alone with Marguerite. As was her habit, she went and sat on her rug in front of the fire and looked sadly into the flames in the hearth. % Q3 m0 C: Z9 c! G/ N6 G2 ?8 Q# p
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She was thinking! Of what? I cannot say. But I looked at her with love and almost with dread at the thought of what I was prepared to suffer for her sake.
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'Do you know what I was thinking?' fz86.love.topzj.com1 M2 z3 G, r5 X5 S) y

4 D! C( _4 m4 M$ f# B) y0 z 风中小筑听雨轩'No.'
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# }; W, z( _2 t'About this scheme I've hit on.' fz86.love.topzj.com, }+ @, s; L# I' P
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'And what is this scheme?' 风中小筑听雨轩$ q( y- R0 {' d
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'I can't tell you yet, but I can tell you what'll happen if it works. What would happen is that is a month from now I'd be free, I wouldn't have any more debts, and we'd go and spend the summer in the country together.' 风中小筑听雨轩, W. V+ K' G: z% W) P' b

- M" n. K# U/ m! g'And can't you tell me how this is to be managed?' 风中小筑听雨轩  i3 O* X# p; j$ b% @

5 j& H+ j$ U, c'No. All it needs is for you to love me as I love you, and everything will come out right.' 5 \9 G: q- o) d. F( Y
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'And did you hit on this scheme all by yourself?'
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'Yes.'
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9 O; T/ _; ~. s1 Y |情感论坛 |'And you will see it through alone?' " Z+ D0 ~( ]0 W6 s4 G" |% M& U( f

; D2 G% X# D6 J+ o |情感论坛 |'I'll have all the worry myself, ' Marguerite said with a smile which I shall never forget, 'but we will both share the profits.'
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I recalled Manon Lescaut running through M. de B's money with Des Grieux.
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- {$ F  c! @8 K! i* nI answered a little roughly as I got to my feet: 9 b! n8 U1 P5 M, w0 D( @

6 U  a% `$ J. M1 j: f2 ['You will be good enough, my dear Marguerite, to allow me to share the profits of only those enterprises which I myself contrive and execute.'
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$ ~* M/ @# N3 S( h/ q. A'And what does that mean?' ( I3 x* f2 b* g9 r
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'It means that I strongly suspect that Count de G is your associate in this splendid scheme, of which I accept neither the costs nor the profits.' 0 F* z) d8 K: E- R

# o$ a/ g. q0 d+ q, f4 C'Don't be childish. I thought you loved me, but I was wrong. As you wish.'
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$ [( N4 x: _4 `* q6 l |情感论坛 |And, so saying, she got up, opened her piano and once more began playing The Invitation to the Waltz as for as the famous passage in the major key which always got the better of her. + D/ o: `& O6 v0 V" W9 V

' p% e, o: V7 p; [' q" O/ | |情感论坛 |Was this done out of habit, or was it to remind me of the day we first met? All I know is that with this tune, the memories came flooding back and, drawing close to her, I took her head in my hands and kissed her. " j( X9 i0 I# A; T: `$ C# `
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'Do you forgive me?' I said.
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'Can't you tell?' she answered. 'But note that this is just our second day, and already I've got something to forgive you for. You're not very good at keeping your promises of blind obedience.' fz86.love.topzj.com# o3 [- N- v4 Z

  r6 x! Y+ c2 t" S4 h" o% @& Gfz86.love.topzj.com'I'm sorry, Marguerite, I love you too much, and I just have to know everything you think. What you suggested just now should make me jump for joy, but your mysteriousness about what happens before the plan is carried out makes my heart sink.' |情感论坛 |0 h. q3 J% ?# v7 m# M- X3 T7 s

! i+ X: B# e. W) Q |情感论坛 |'Oh come now, let's talk about this seriously for a moment, ' she went on, taking my two hands and looking at me with a bewitching smile which I was quite incapable of resisting. 'You love me, do you not, and you'd be happy to spend three or four months alone with me in the country? I too would be happy for us to be alone together, not just happy to go away with you but I need to for my health. I can't leave Paris for so long without putting my affairs in order, and the affairs of a woman like me are invariably very tangled. Well, I've found a way of bringing it all together ?my affairs and my love for you, yes, you, don't laugh, I'm mad enough to be in love with you! And then you get all hoity-toity and start coming out with fine words. Silly boy! Silly, silly boy! Just remember that I love you and don't worry your head about a thing. Well, is it agreed?' % ^2 ^# Q6 |" o0 x  E; b# A
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'Everything you want is agreed, as you know very well.'   e! X, b, l6 G
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'In that case, a month from now we'll be in some village or other, strolling by the river and drinking milk. It must sound odd to you hearing me, Marguerite Gautier, talk like this. The fact is, my dear, that when life in Paris, which ostensibly makes me so happy, is not burning me out, it bores me. When that happens, I get sudden yearnings to lead a quieter life which would remind me of my childhood. Everybody, whatever has become of them since, has had a childhood. Oh! don't worry, I'm not about to tell you that I'm the daughter of a retired colonel and that I was raised at Saint- Denis. I'm just a poor girl from the country who couldn't even write her name six years ago. I expect you're relieved, aren't you! Why is it that you should be the first man I've ever approached to share the joy of the desire which has come upon me? I suppose it's because I sensed that you loved me for my sake and not for yours, whereas the others never loved me except for themselves.
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'I've been to the country many times, but never the way I should have liked. I'm counting on you to provide the simple happiness I want. Don't be unkind: indulge me. Tell yourself this: "She's not likely to live to be old, and some day I should be sorry I didn't do the very first thing she ever asked me, for it was such a simple thing."'
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What answer could I give to such words, especially with the memory of a first night of love behind me and with the prospect of a second to come?
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An hour later, I was holding Marguerite in my arms, and if she had asked me to commit a crime for her, I would have obeyed.
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# t9 _; U3 I- g+ pI left her at six in the morning. Before I went, I said: 风中小筑听雨轩: q* E2 Z* X  N$ g3 n8 c
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'Shall I see you this evening?' 风中小筑听雨轩; D1 C% V! C: Q# g; l
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She kissed me harder, but did not reply. fz86.love.topzj.com7 D' v- |( U& F$ D5 b/ G" @: h
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During the day, I received a letter containing these words: fz86.love.topzj.com' P& a9 G. c0 B+ T

6 y% v5 E+ C7 E 风中小筑听雨轩'Darling boy, I'm not very well and the doctor has told me to rest, I shall go to bed early tonight and so shall not see you. But, as a reward, I shall expect you tomorrow at noon. I love you.'
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3 y# A, U9 C0 P- F) x 风中小筑听雨轩My first thought was: 'She's deceiving me!'
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1 v7 j  r! u/ J9 Y: k# }, p6 R$ c7 n 风中小筑听雨轩An icy sweat broke out on my forehead, for I was already too much in love with her not to be aghast at the thought. ! v) [8 {! M$ K. S/ {

, z! _5 Z8 Y  T* L |情感论坛 |And yet I was going to have to expect it to happen almost daily with Marguerite; it had often happened with my other mistresses without it ever bothering me too much. How was it then that this woman had such power over my life?
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( Y- d: X$ e% D; P% o2 R3 AThen, since I had the key to her apartment, I thought I might call and see her as usual. In this way, I should know the truth soon enough, and if I found a man there, I would offer to give him satisfaction.
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To while away the time, I went to the Champs-Elysees. I stayed there for four hours. She did not make an appearance. In the evening, I looked in at all the theatres where she usually went. She was not in any of them.
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* q3 h" i8 E  ^6 Y- v1 ~( R4 e0 EAt eleven o'clock, I made my way to the rue d'Antin.
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There was no light in any of Marguerite's windows. Even so, I rang.
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8 F  \! U/ c; s- Y( U+ u5 SThe porter asked me where I wanted to go.
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'To Mademoiselle Gautier's, ' I said. 风中小筑听雨轩( Z" W7 |4 p6 z. _* {# {

9 ~7 |# G+ f7 N# ~'She's not back.' ( U$ j% v5 R% U: _3 r& `2 q
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'I'll go up and wait.' 风中小筑听雨轩8 c% U# q, `4 Z1 m4 A% i1 q

0 F  r! P; Q4 j* kfz86.love.topzj.com'There's nobody in.'
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% m* ?7 M+ J& L/ }2 O) J% Q; Pfz86.love.topzj.comOf course, he had his orders which I could have circumvented since I had a key, but I was afraid of an embarrassing scene and went away.
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But I did not go home. I could not leave the street and did not take my eyes off Marguerite's house for a moment. I felt that I still had something to learn, or at least that my suspicions were about to be confirmed. |情感论坛 |# `$ s4 c& }& B% Z) H. n
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About midnight, a brougham, which was all too familiar, pulled up near number 9.
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* `' [+ d. [" O$ z# t3 ^Count de G got out and went into the house after dismissing his coach.
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- `/ w+ D8 z/ ^; K2 D, efz86.love.topzj.comFor a moment, I hoped that he was about to be told, as I had been, that Marguerite was not at home, and that I should see him come out again. But I was still waiting at four in the morning. , S4 {% ~; s) h5 p8 z' }6 i% u

; u) D- A1 }2 Kfz86.love.topzj.comThese last three weeks, I have suffered a great deal. But it has been nothing compared with what I suffered that night.

Chapter 14
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WHEN I reached home, I began to weep like a child. There is not a man alive who has not been deceived at least once but does not know what it is to suffer so. , @' Z8 k1 ?) R2 ~

8 C( [8 a, g+ s5 d* v9 A2 hfz86.love.topzj.comWeighed down by the kind of fervent resolution which we always think we shall be strong enough to keep, I told myself that I had to put an end to this affair at once, and impatiently waited for morning to come so that I could go and buy a ticket and return to my father and my sister? twin loves on which I could count and which would never let me down. / T" |1 C! j. O& f; U9 ~  d# o5 j
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However, I did not want to go away without ensuring that Marguerite knew exactly why I was going. Only a man who is quite out of love with his mistress will leave her without writing.
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I wrote and rewrote a score of letters in my head. ' i7 ~7 [( S3 K5 S6 G0 O
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I had been dealing with a woman who was like all other kept women; I had poeticized her far too much. She had treated me like a school-boy and, to deceive me, had resorted to an insultingly simple ruse ?that much was clear. My pride then took over. I had to leave this woman without giving her the satisfaction of knowing how much our parting made me suffer, and this is what I wrote to her, in my most elegant hand and with tears of rage and pain in my eyes. |情感论坛 |# M2 O+ O5 _8 U. u6 B- _* J

: N$ _& [0 ]) L$ f/ x 风中小筑听雨轩'My dear Marguerite, / k2 g9 _- e# [" X6 f
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I trust that yesterday's indisposition has not proved too troublesome. I called, at eleven last evening, to ask after you, and was told you had not yet returned. Monsieur de G was altogether more fortunate, for he arrived a few moments later and was still with you at four o'clock this morning.   s4 a) X$ l. \- n& Z. ~0 ]" g

% P, [. c) e  ]2 J+ a& A2 w 风中小筑听雨轩Forgive me the tiresome few hours which I inflicted on you, and rest assured that I shall never forget the happy moments which I owe you. |情感论坛 |- O9 n( d, U( ?- d$ ^' A* G& l
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I would certainly have called to ask after you today, but I propose to return and join my father.
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% R0 b" f$ ^& q4 Q9 B4 Z. W/ EFarewell, my dear Marguerite. I am neither rich enough to love you as I should wish, nor poor enough to love you as you would like. Let us both forget: you, a name which must mean very little to you, and I, happiness which has become impossible for me to bear. - c. s6 i* c  m8 x

# g! N. q% u2 ~" I& D, q6 m  {fz86.love.topzj.comI am returning your key which I have never used and which you may find will answer some useful purpose, if you are often ill the way you were yesterday.'
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As you see, I did not have the strength to end my letter without a touch of supercilious irony, which only went to prove how much in love I still was. $ ?/ o6 N+ x7 k8 p2 S
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I read and reread my letter ten times over, and the thought of the pain it would cause Marguerite calmed me a little. I tried to live up to the bold note it had struck, and when, at eight o'clock, my servant answered my summons, I handed it to him to deliver at once.
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'Must I wait for an answer?' Joseph asked. (My manservant was called Joseph. All manservants are called Joseph). |情感论坛 |, A  O- [0 k: g# X; [8 g; S
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'If you are asked whether a reply is expected, you will say that you don't know, and you will wait.'
1 \! E; I# S) Cfz86.love.topzj.com5 o0 C$ V: A8 r" Z. l
I clung to hope that she would answer.
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Poor, weak creatures that we are! fz86.love.topzj.com/ z/ y' Y, [0 n; H

  K# ]* }9 t2 M' Cfz86.love.topzj.comThe whole of the time my servant was out, I remained in a state of extreme agitation. At some moments, recalling how completely Marguerite had given herself to me, I asked myself by what right had I written her an impertinent letter when she could quite well reply that it was not Monsieur de G who was deceiving me but I who was deceiving Monsieur de G ? which is an argument which allows many a woman to have more than one lover. At other moments, recalling the hussy's solemn oaths, I tried to convince myself that my letter had been far too mild and that there were no words strong enough to scourge a woman who could laugh at love as sincere as mine. Then again, I told myself that it would have been better not to write at all, but to have called on her during the day: in this way, I would have been there to enjoy the tears I made her weep.
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6 G1 A; ]8 i# T& B. `0 W& n |情感论坛 |In the end, I came round to wondering what she would say in her answer, and I was already prepared to believe whatever excuse she gave me.
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% f4 K1 }, r$ c* j0 v& PJoseph returned.
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'Well?' I said. fz86.love.topzj.com; o: l7 Q% k; y$ s/ O' q7 Y, X
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'Sir, ' he answered, 'Madame had not risen and was still asleep, but the moment she rings, the letter will be given to her and if there is a reply, it will be brought.' |情感论坛 |" P7 g) m' [# e

: t/ X( `4 ~0 n/ E' y$ e. R8 QAsleep!
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" T, {6 z1 @) e6 |7 i: j9 `4 L 风中小筑听雨轩A score of times I was on the point of sending round to get the letter back, but I persisted in telling myself:
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'Perhaps someone has already given it to her, in which case I would look as though I was sorry I'd sent it.' 7 }4 H$ |! t- T( z; V
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The nearer it got to the time when it seemed most likely that she would give me an answer, the more I regretted having written.
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0 A& B: B& u, e, U& b: Q, q 风中小筑听雨轩Ten o'clock, eleven o'clock, midday stuck.
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At noon, I was on the point of setting off for our rendezvous, as though nothing had happened. I was a complete loss for a way of a way offz86.love.topzj.com' m/ `8 z" z6 p/ H. Y1 M; f3 p
breaking out of iron ring that held me fast. : d- l+ M8 W- u# N

! u5 p& H) K: t+ { 风中小筑听雨轩Then, with the superstition of those who wait, I thought that if I went out for a while, I should find an answer when I got back. Replies which we await with impatience always come when we are not at home. 9 S$ i4 ^* M/ x2 b7 c6 x

8 i7 K- v' x3 J+ H0 O8 x3 f0 cI went out, ostensibly to lunch. fz86.love.topzj.com7 C5 T6 w+ F; d' s, b/ p  ^/ `
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Instead of lunching at the Cafe Foy, on the corner of the Boulevard, as was my custom, I thought I would have lunch in the Palais-Royal and go via the rue d'Antin. Every time I saw a woman in the distance, I thought it was Nanine bringing me a reply. I walked the length of the rue d'Antin without coming across any sort of messenger. I arrived at the Palais- Royal and went into Very's. The waiter gave me something to eat, or, more accurately, served me whatever he wished, for I ate nothing.
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Despite myself, my eyes remained fixed on the clock. 4 L& R8 n% E. x8 F: r( C
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I returned home, convinced that I would find a letter from Marguerite.
* e( J9 F( V7 |, S1 t" Q5 L 风中小筑听雨轩
" ^3 w  @$ {  V7 x: Tfz86.love.topzj.comThe porter had received nothing for me. I still had hopes of my servant. He had seen no one since the time I went out.
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/ ~2 v  [- W' Q' Z4 cfz86.love.topzj.comIf Marguerite was going to give me an answer, she would have done so long before. |情感论坛 |- T: K; P9 b' @' Y% L5 s
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I began to regret the terms of my letter; I should have remained totally silent, since this would doubtless have made her uneasy, and spurred her to make a move; for, seeing that I had not kept our appointment the previous day, she would have asked the reason for my absence and only then should I have given it. In this way, she would have had no alternative but to establish her innocence, and I wanted her to establish her innocence. I already sensed that whatever the excuses she gave me, I would have believed her, and I knew that I should have preferred anything than never to see her again. |情感论坛 |9 G+ V( p  w9 Y7 q7 b. d

; r1 n0 }8 q& N# H, Q |情感论坛 |In the end, I fell to thinking that she would come herself, but the hours ticked by, and she did not come.
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/ O2 B1 m9 v, e6 ` |情感论坛 |Marguerite was clearly quite unlike other women, for there are not many who, on receiving a letter like the one I had just written, do not send some sort of reply. 8 q' ~1 J& {; }+ b4 u# l4 J
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At five, I hurried to the Champs- Elysees. 风中小筑听雨轩/ T0 l; k% m: C5 B; O6 w
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'If I meet her, ' I thought, 'I shall appear unconcerned, and she will see that I have stopped thinking about her already.'
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4 Q% S" i$ K6 }# @- Lfz86.love.topzj.comOn the corner of the rue Royale, I saw her drive past in her carriage. The encounter happened so suddenly that I felt myself grow pale. I have no idea if she noticed my reaction, for I was so taken aback that I saw only her carriage.
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( T& E) r  r$ t/ {; ^( M7 EI did not continue with my stroll to the Champs-Elysees. I looked at the theatre bills, for I still had one chance left of seeing her.
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There was a first night at the Palais-Royal. Marguerite would obviously be there.
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I was in the theatre at seven o'clock. fz86.love.topzj.com6 C8 r9 A8 v3 w( @' k( h- _

4 I3 `$ o2 y* GAll the boxes filled up, but Marguerite did not appear. |情感论坛 |8 U6 Z) y/ ?+ W7 i5 n+ U
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After a while, I left the Palais-Royal and did the rounds of all the theatres where she went most often ?to the Vaudeville, the Varietes and the Opera- Comique.
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She was not at any of them. / I& i' m: k; E7 F

* E0 \: s6 w1 e* _& `' Q' }Either my letter had hurt her too much for her to be able to think of going to the theatre, or she was afraid of coming across me and wanted to avoid having things out.
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% [4 E: ^0 i' ^' _, zThis is what my vanity was whispering in my ear on the Boulevard when I ran into Gaston who asked me where I had been.
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" _- c. X2 j. D4 A, q9 ^'To the Palais-Royal.' fz86.love.topzj.com# i7 @. |" Y: C+ m% w

- |& r; m' C# F' f& _2 Z'I've been to the Opera, ' he said. 'I rather thought I'd see you there.' |情感论坛 |0 @% ]/ T1 E1 Z: z, M! d

& f* R$ x. T4 w'Why?' 7 u% E% i; o7 D  \' z

) o% K' U7 v4 C 风中小筑听雨轩'Because Marguerite was there.'
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'Oh! Was she?' ' p3 U( s7 x: @+ x! S
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'Yes.'
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5 V1 o& n% n1 O  I) u6 } 风中小筑听雨轩'On her own?' |情感论坛 |( L* R4 k, u  Q

. d7 O' J; c! S* S* `/ Q4 X7 E$ Z'No, with one of her women friends.' 风中小筑听雨轩; N4 Y1 q+ l' P! T; G/ e* y

: u& p' M& Y* O9 I'Anyone else?'
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; }! m$ y! e4 P. ?# P& H'Count de G showed up in her box for a moment or two, but she went off with the Duke. I thought I'd see you appear any minute. I had a seat next to me which stayed empty the whole evening, and I was sure it had been paid for by you.' |情感论坛 |* s+ g/ Q. ^2 z1 h" O% _
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'But why should I go wherever Marguerite goes?' 风中小筑听雨轩# x2 y# z/ d& h+ R3 S
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'Because, dammit, you're her lover!'
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: ^4 e) P) ]1 z1 [9 y" H'And who told you that?' 8 L3 I6 n$ {  ?

1 i2 V% \+ X! x9 ^: _' Z9 J  I |情感论坛 |'Prudence. I met her yesterday. I congratulate you, old boy. She's a pretty mistress to have, and it's not everybody that can have her. Hang on to her, she'll be a credit to you.'
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: Y4 `* n+ m7 c* ]. C  X$ C  GThis straightforward observation of Gaston's showed me how ridiculously touchy I was being.
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5 i- ]6 u  ~1 V4 v |情感论坛 |If I had met him the previous evening and he had talked to me like this, I would never have written the stupid letter I had sent that morning. ' B: L' ^; f) w; ~/ ]

4 Y2 ~4 ]8 ~2 I/ X8 }" kI was on the point of going round to Prudence's and sending word to Marguerite that I had to talk to her. But I was afraid that, to get back at me, she would send word that she could not see me, and I returned home after walking by the rue d'Antin.
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Once again I asked my porter if he had a letter for me. |情感论坛 |+ x; I% o3 w7 ^/ W/ D2 _$ G
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Nothing!
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" R* f$ _0 V9 E  `'She'll have wanted to see whether I'd try some new move and retract my letter today, ' I told myself as I got into bed, 'but when she sees I haven't written to her, she'll write to me tomorrow.' : |* T$ Z) X* K& Q
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That night especially did I regret what I had done. I was alone in my apartment, unable to sleep, fretting with worry and jealousy whereas, by letting things take their true course, I should have been at Marguerite's side hearing her say those sweet words which I had heard on only two occasions, and which now made my ears burn in my loneliness. 4 d) a- r  f3 q; w, _5 J3 h+ ?

! s; S  b* r4 e5 z# hThe most dreadful part of my predicament was that logic put me in the wrong. Indeed, all the indications were that Marguerite loved me. In the first place, there was her scheme for spending a whole summer alone with me in the country. Then there was the plain fact that there was nothing that obliged her to be my mistress, for the money I had was insufficient for her needs or even her whims. So there was nothing more to it, on her part, than the hope of finding sincere affection through me which would be a relief from the mercenary loves which beset her life. And now, on the second day, I was in the process of blighting that hope and repaying with high-handed irony the two nights of love which I had accepted! What I was doing was therefore worse than ridiculous: it was dishonest. Had I simply paid the woman back in order to have the right to pass judgment on her way of life? And did not withdrawing on the second day make me look like some parasite of love who is afraid he is about to be presented with the bill for his dinner? It was extraordinary! I had known Marguerite for thirty-six hours, I had been her lover for twenty-four of them, and was acting like some easily injured party. Far from being only too delighted that she should divide her affections to include me, I wanted to have her all to myself, I wanted to force her, at a stroke, to put an end to the affairs of her past which, of course, represented the income of her future. What cause had I to reproach her? None. She had written to tell me she was unwell when she could easily have said bluntly, with the appalling frankness of some women, that she was expecting a lover; and instead of going along with her letter, instead of taking a walk in any street in Paris except the rue d'Antin, instead of spending the evening with my friends and presenting myself the next day at the time she had indicated, I was behaving like Othello, spying on her, thinking I was punishing her by not seeing her any more. But quite the reverse: she was probably delighted by this separation and must have thought me supremely inane. Her silence was nothing so grand as rancour: it was contempt.
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* z2 I  K) a. BAt this point, I should have given Marguerite some present or other which would have left her in no doubt about my liberality and also allowed me, because I had treated her like any other kept woman, to believe that I had no further obligations towards her. But I felt that with the least hint of trade, I should degrade, if not the love she had for me, then at least the love I had for her; and since this love of mine was so pure that it refused to be shared with others, it was incapable of offering a present, however fine, as payment in full for the happiness, however brief, I had been given.
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" B% X: x9 c+ [7 _6 t% gThis is what I kept telling myself over and over that night. I was ready at any moment to go and say it all to Marguerite.
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5 `( W& _0 t. m- F/ L 风中小筑听雨轩When morning came, I was still awake and feverish. I could not think of anything but Marguerite. fz86.love.topzj.com( @/ ~0 Z/ H; H0 `
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As you will appreciate, I had to decide one way or the other: to have done either with the woman or my scruples ?always assuming, of course, that she would still agree to go on seeing me.
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$ o! t! {/ }4 k3 S# h; q0 ^* kBut, as you know, one always puts off taking crucial decisions: as a result, neither able to stay in my rooms nor daring to wait upon Marguerite, I embarked on a course of action that might lead to a reconciliation which, should it succeed, my pride could always blame on chance.
) Y: N! k2 L  w7 `fz86.love.topzj.com 风中小筑听雨轩# z- H/ h3 f5 c8 k4 U, Z4 t; E
It was nine o'clock. I hurried round to Prudence's. She asked me to what she owed this early call.) Q, I8 D0 _- t3 c& _' X5 R

( ]- e, V) W5 Ffz86.love.topzj.comI did not dare say openly what brought me. I replied that I had gone out early to book a seat on the coach for C, where my father lived. & X! o' E& U& ]% ?  e# }/ ^+ M

0 F+ l$ C$ A$ _4 p2 Q8 N9 y# r 风中小筑听雨轩'You are very lucky, ' she said, 'to be able to get out of Paris in such marvellous weather.'" w9 Z  L# l/ R& c' L+ O- o! t0 H. q
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I looked hard at Prudence, wondering whether she was laughing at me.fz86.love.topzj.com. o# |5 F/ `. s$ y. ~

( t; h" h6 }/ {8 C& P 风中小筑听雨轩But her face was serious.7 r4 U- r7 C) n" D. Q' j4 X

$ V8 e0 U' o. w* X7 |# F6 ?8 wfz86.love.topzj.com'Are you going to say goodbye to Marguerite?' she went on, with the same seriousness.
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4 W4 k8 C+ {: v% O, q'No.'
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3 S$ ~; n3 W. h1 |! L( s, Q |情感论坛 |'Very wise.'  f( I4 m# {1 W$ _$ S4 l' t0 X4 b! c

; e7 x8 M# J# c' X |情感论坛 |'You think so?'
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! H; m0 s* f% C 风中小筑听雨轩'Of course. Since you've finished with her, what's the point of seeing her again?' 9 `& r% F5 K2 }9 V' `+ P7 l0 W! K
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'So you know it's all over?' 3 K3 \4 C7 R0 Z
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'She showed me your letter.'7 [$ C0 Y( o/ j4 s. [
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'And what did she say?': o# B7 z5 J1 _. {  _7 w+ h
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'She said: "My dear Prudence, your protege has no manners. People compose letters like this in their heads, but no one actually writes them down."'
8 L" }/ T/ E  E! R- W& J |情感论坛 |fz86.love.topzj.com  E7 ^; s* I* |! B( y+ z9 H3 F
'And how did she say it?'
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6 ~& ?9 ]( N  s1 q* l5 Dfz86.love.topzj.com'She was laughing. And she also said: "He came to supper twice and now won't even make his party call."'
5 B  k, L- M: |2 ]3 L- ` 风中小筑听雨轩' G$ ^( \3 O  H6 j
So this was all the effect my letter and jealous torments had produced! I was cruelly humiliated in my pride of love.+ H0 i! k! u0 ~9 r4 A: U% K$ y

- ]# L* w, A$ H" g8 q4 ?'And what did she do yesterday evening?') r& P) u0 Z0 |. S
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'She went to the Opera.' 风中小筑听雨轩) J& x. X/ I2 x: S8 ~
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'I know. But afterwards?'
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) C' O8 x' }8 J'She had supper at home.' 风中小筑听雨轩" t+ F7 c' n3 a* N: q6 `0 r8 i7 N9 v

9 g1 h' U' g  M# e'Alone?'$ O- N1 S6 F" u2 ]+ {8 R) D1 F( Z
|情感论坛 |* {9 S/ ?4 p/ {( q/ a: y; i
'With Count de G, I believe.'. @9 T! u- A; U. }( V) Q; L. J

6 c2 `. P# Y: S' WSo the break I had made had altered nothing in Marguerite's habits." Q/ n% ?/ \& Q( D! |
|情感论坛 |0 m( `3 |! Q; P9 C# q1 Y
It is because of moments like this that some people will tell you:# N4 e' b. T, w6 W! Y' f

% E. G6 N3 j' _( p) }6 u  {"You shouldn't have given the woman another moment's thought. She clearly didn't love you."
. ?2 }( c0 p, V$ W9 bfz86.love.topzj.com
7 v$ S: H. m# {+ a, A |情感论坛 |'Ah well, I'm very pleased to see that Marguerite isn't pining for me, ' I went on, with a forced smile.
" G" z8 [$ x$ L8 S5 W/ C: b5 }0 m% `* r+ s$ p# L1 F  \: z. ~
'And she's absolutely right. You did what you had to. You've been much more sensible than her, for she really loved you. All she did was talk about you, and she might have ended up doing something silly.'
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'If she loves me, why didn't she reply?'
3 c* m7 ~  n8 ^5 Lfz86.love.topzj.com, w# t5 C  A4 V. Y
'Because she realized that she was wrong to love you. And besides, women will sometimes allow a man to take advantage of their love but not to injure their pride, and a man always injures a woman's pride when two days after becoming her lover, he leaves her, whatever reason he gives for doing so. I know Marguerite; she'd sooner die than give you an answer.'
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'What should I do, then?'
9 @3 P4 b& m0 b6 V3 _1 p6 |. N 风中小筑听雨轩- I- L/ `- V- Y- ~  p
'Nothing. She will forget you, you will forget her and neither of you will have anything to reproach each other for.'1 c) |9 m3 h6 J
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'What if I wrote asking her to forgive me?'# p) q' C% T) I6 x. v" L" ~
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'Don't. She would.'
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" c( B6 J, V0 T$ a8 Bfz86.love.topzj.comI nearly flung my arms around Prudence. |情感论坛 |  @5 f2 F5 t' u
fz86.love.topzj.com% Q' i4 ?( o) Z* ~; {; W5 f
A quarter of an hour later, I was back in my rooms and writing to Marguerite. |情感论坛 |% d$ o/ `0 \# R; Y. d, m

! X9 T/ C* Q4 q  A' k9 k( P& G4 vfz86.love.topzj.com'Someone who repents of a letter which he wrote yesterday, someone who will go away tomorrow if you do not forgive him, wishes to know at what time be may call and lay his repentance at your feet.: u9 U1 f/ Y6 g0 k7 r, c
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When will be find you alone? For, as you know, confessions should always be made without witnesses.'fz86.love.topzj.com% y- ^/ {* [/ ?
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I folded this kind of madrigal in prose and sent Joseph with it. He handed it to Marguerite herself, and she told him that she would reply later.
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I went out only for a moment, to dine, and at eleven in the evening still had no reply.fz86.love.topzj.com$ V8 q, X, t4 ^; @  J! W

6 P8 z" N* O1 s2 m2 L  k* YI resolved that I should suffer no more and leave the next day.5 n  ]# P3 r- Q+ d2 D0 J1 @
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Having made up my mind, knowing that I would not sleep if I went to bed, I began to pack my trunks.

Chapter 158 Y. }( h, W. \* R- B
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Chinese
) b/ ~* j8 E. @4 ?& C: ]fz86.love.topzj.com 风中小筑听雨轩/ a( Q( X; [- W- Q
JOSEPH and I had been getting everything ready for my departure for about an hour, when there was a violent ringing at my door.
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'Should I answer it?' said Joseph. |情感论坛 |( I& S5 P7 G2 `; H" E

: W+ |. ?9 L, a0 ^3 q'Yes, ' I told him, wondering who could be calling so late, and not daring to hope it was Marguerite.
: t1 G* `) c! z- e- m) _- T: mfz86.love.topzj.com
9 V4 g. ^6 i9 n) W' Jfz86.love.topzj.com'Sir, ' said Joseph when he returned, 'there are two ladies?
1 h% k5 \# o' C$ v* B( Q |情感论坛 |
9 `* Y& T1 }" ~  o3 q- K1 `& E- Q6 g'It's us, Armand, ' cried a voice which I recognized as belonging to Prudence.# ^1 K1 Y5 C0 P

( S4 d/ M+ j% o; _8 b$ y: U# f; YI emerged from my bedroom. |情感论坛 |6 ?4 a- X) E# _! ?' C2 n

  |: q# ~6 H& tfz86.love.topzj.comPrudence was standing and gazing about her at the few curios dotted around my drawing-room; Marguerite was sitting on the sofa, occupied by her thoughts. 风中小筑听雨轩. o; y/ B# T& ]' V7 L; ]
fz86.love.topzj.com4 Y3 v9 J8 y. [$ ]& w0 M6 F
When I entered, I went to her, knelt before her, took both her hands and, in a voice touched with emotion, I said: 风中小筑听雨轩! j6 V' v5 P3 w5 D; v
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'Forgive me.'
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& n$ N" g5 N8 @4 A% ~ 风中小筑听雨轩She kissed me on the brow and said:
7 Z  {+ w: j3 S. w0 x7 P; |fz86.love.topzj.com
/ S. H! s; v! d; u0 @1 k( k( Efz86.love.topzj.com'That's the third time I've forgiven you.'fz86.love.topzj.com: V7 }7 E& S9 R* {& i# P
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'I was going to go away tomorrow.'
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+ l5 t5 o5 j' [* f6 b2 g% l. Kfz86.love.topzj.com'How can my visit change your mind? I haven't come here to stop you leaving Paris. I came because I haven't had time all day to reply to your letter, and I didn't want to leave you with the impression that I was cross with you. Even so, Prudence didn't want me to come: she said I might be in your way.'
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8 P! F6 |/ q; K0 E'You! In my way, Marguerite! But how?'
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  t: d$ A: `6 ^/ c: B$ i/ X/ n5 X |情感论坛 |'Why, you could have had a woman here, ' answered Prudence, 'and it wouldn't have been very funny for her to see another two turning up.'
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While Prudence was making this remark, Marguerite watched me closely.
5 P# c; r7 [3 o5 u1 D$ r* ?8 k5 G |情感论坛 | 风中小筑听雨轩: m! w3 b5 k2 i9 N) `5 a! d. j
'My dear Prudence, ' I replied, 'you're talking nonsense.'. `; F2 W9 ^( n5 F
fz86.love.topzj.com' _' k. O! n+ ?" z- @0 B6 ]
'You've got a very nice apartment, ' answered Prudence. 'Mind if I take a look at the bedroom?'
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, V% ~, }9 Q3 L4 ^ 风中小筑听雨轩'Not at all.'0 f/ D" b0 l2 t& k( C

' e: E. z! [! v% d/ Z5 PPrudence went off into my bedroom, not so much to see inside as to cover up her unfortunate remark and to leave Marguerite and me alone together. 风中小筑听雨轩1 |2 f% p6 B" Z3 G
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'Why did you bring Prudence with you?' I said." g# O& L3 Q( `/ ]  Y8 M2 @7 k" Y

, N& |: G5 S9 ]& P; W, I$ ]'Because she was with me at the theatre, and because I wanted to have someone to see me home when I left here.' ' r' k# M. \0 a2 x+ @. }. e, ~

  f5 P9 N3 W8 R6 H: _6 n$ R'Couldn't I have done it?' |情感论坛 |% |( v* m9 E6 n
fz86.love.topzj.com% ?8 K# N( a9 z: v
'Yes. But apart from the fact that I didn't want to disturb you, I was quite certain that when you got to my door you would ask if you could come up and, since I couldn't let you, I didn't want you to go away feeling you had any right to blame me for refusing you anything.'
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* E" M8 _) X3 l5 }* I* g$ M 风中小筑听雨轩'And why couldn't you let me come up?'( d' d7 y3 E: }' v% W" f

& [+ @& H- T6 G0 h$ s/ z'Because I'm being watched very closely, and because the least hint of suspicion could do me a great deal of harm.'
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'Is that the only reason?'
6 X, ]" e7 O* Y% i9 I# t* O, @ |情感论坛 |
& h3 E5 q6 \  e 风中小筑听雨轩'If there was another, I would tell you what it was; we've got past the stage of having secrets from each other.'
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$ C: |' t9 \9 @; D, f 风中小筑听雨轩'Listen, Marguerite, I'm not going to make any bones about what I want to say to you. Tell me, do you love me a little?' * H! w" l) N. ~" P7 D

, F  r( V( k# `. Y'A great deal.' |情感论坛 |( x: }3 h5 y" p7 v3 e; M5 b/ E

8 h- ~6 h# `3 `% R 风中小筑听雨轩'Then why did you deceive me?' ( j) h" O! W% a

2 e9 T0 x5 ^* u4 u0 S'My dear, if I were the Duchess of This or That, if I had two hundred thousand livers a year, if I were your mistress and had another lover besides you, then you'd have every right to ask why I deceive you. But I am Mademoiselle Marguerite Gautier, I have debts of forty thousand and not a penny behind me, and I spend a hundred thousand francs a year: your question is out of order and my answer irrelevant.' |情感论坛 |1 |* A/ |: B1 |9 K2 s+ x+ a

# g- x5 }$ `% W1 h0 l'You're quite right, ' I said, letting my head fall on to Marguerite's knees, 'but I do love you, to distraction.'
* F$ H0 S3 v. W3 P/ o2 ]& O 风中小筑听雨轩
. {- l, c2 j( p: P4 M% ^+ c |情感论坛 |'Well, my dear, you should have loved me a little less or understood me a little better. Your letter hurt me very deeply. If I'd been free to choose, then in the first place I would never have seen the Count the day before yesterday, or, if I had, I would have come to beg you for the forgiveness which you asked of me a few moments ago and, from that moment on, I would have had no other lover but you. There was a moment when I thought I could indulge myself and be really happy for those six months. You would have none of it; you just had to know how I was going to manage it ?good heavens! it was easy enough to guess. The sacrifice I was going to have to make if it was to be possible, was much greater than you think. I could have told you: "I need twenty thousand francs." You were in love with me, you would have raised it somehow, though there was a risk that one day you'd be sorry you'd done so and blame me. I chose to owe you nothing; you didn't understand my delicacy, for delicacy it is. Girls of my sort, at least those of us who still have some feelings left, take words and things further and deeper than other women. I repeat: coming from Marguerite Gautier, the means with she found of repaying her debts without asking you for the money it took, was an act of great delicacy of which you should now take advantage without another word. If you met me today for the first time, you'd be only too delighted with the promises I'd make you, and you wouldn't ask questions about what I did the day before yesterday. Sometimes, we have no choice but to buy gratifications for the soul at some cost to the body, and it hurts all the more when those gratifications subsequently elude us.'
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I heard and saw Marguerite with admiration. When I reflected that this marvellous creature, whose feet I once had longed to kiss, should consent to give me a place in her thoughts and a role in her life, and when I thought that I was still not content with what she was giving me, I asked myself whether man's desire has any limits at all if, though satisfied as promptly as mine had been, it can still aspire to something more.
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2 v& w' M. F  p |情感论坛 |'It's true, ' she went on, 'we creatures of chance have weird desires and unimaginable passions. Sometimes we give ourselves for one thing, sometimes for another. There are men who could ruin themselves and get nowhere with us; there are others who can have us for a bunch of flowers. Our hearts are capricious: it's their only diversion and their only excuse. I gave myself to you more quickly than I ever did to another man, I swear. Why? Because when you saw me coughing blood, you took me by the hand, because you wept, because you are the only human being who ever felt sorry for me. I'm now going to tell you something silly. Once I had a little dog who used to look at me with sad eyes when I coughed: he was the only living creature I have ever loved. ! `5 l" Q3 j5 U

/ O) }3 X8 G- k# k$ t! O |情感论坛 |'When he died, I cried more than after my mother's death. Mind you, she did spend twelve years of her life beating me. Well, from the start, I loved you as much as my dog. If men only knew what can be had with just one tear, they would be better loved and we should ruin fewer of them. |情感论坛 |0 L, i4 y5 S( n+ I5 t% ?

: {5 \( o& y. ~6 S5 Efz86.love.topzj.com'Your letter gave you away: it showed me that you didn't understand the workings of the heart, and it injured you more in the love. I had for you than anything else you could have done. It was jealousy, of course, but a sarcastic, haughty kind of jealousy. I was feeling miserable when I got the letter. I was counting on seeing you at midday, on having lunch with you, hoping the sight of you would chase away a thought I kept having which, before I knew you, never bothered me in the least. |情感论坛 |6 O; `* g5 h  n+ j

( n6 r  L0 N& b7 s, _3 L'Then again, 'continued Marguerite, 'you were the only person with whom I'd sensed from the first I could think and speak freely. People who congregate around girls like me can gain a great deal by paying close attention to the slightest words we say, and by drawing conclusions from our most insignificant actions. Naturally, we have no friends, we have egotistical lovers who spend their fortunes not on us, as they claim, but on their vanity. 3 I9 O% [8 s5 N. g) G. ^* ?
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'For men like these, we have to be cheerful when they are happy, hale and hearty when they decide they want supper, and as cynical as they are. We are not allowed to have feelings, for fear of being jeered at and losing our credibility.
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$ H: @; w; F, g# F6 T! z |情感论坛 |'Our lives are no longer our own. We aren't human beings, but things. We rank first in their pride, and last in their good opinion. We have women friends, but they are friends like Prudence ? yesterday's kept women who still have expensive tastes which their age prevents them from indulging. So they become our friends, or rather associates. Their friendship may verge on the servile, but it is never disinterested. They'll never give you a piece of advice unless there's money in it. They don't care if we've got ten lovers extra as long as they get a few dresses or a bracelet out of them and can drive about every now and then in our carriages and sit in our boxes at the theatre. They end up with the flowers we were given the night before, and they borrow our Indian shawls. They never do us a good turn, however trifling, without making sure they get paid twice what their trouble was worth. You saw as much yourself the evening Prudence brought me the six thousand francs which I'd asked her to go and beg from the Duke; she borrowed five hundred francs which she'll never give back, or else she'll pay it off in hats that will never get taken out of their boxes.
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'So we can have, or rather I had, only one hope of happiness: and this was, sad as I sometimes am and ill as I am always, to find a man of sufficiently rare qualities who would never ask me to account for my actions, and be the lover of my wilder fancies more than the lover of my body. I found this man in the Duke, but the Duke is old and old age neither shields nor consoles. I'd thought I could settle for the life he made for me. But it was no use. I was dying of boredom, and I felt that if I was going to be destroyed, then I might as well jump into the flames as choke on the fumes. 1 S" n4 N, A/ b! R$ U! K+ @
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'Then I met you. You were young, passionate, happy, and I tried to turn you into the man I had cried out for in my crowded but empty life. What I loved in you was not the man you were but the man you could be. You refuse to accept the part; you reject it as unworthy of you; you are a commonplace lover, just do what the others do: pay me and let's not talk about it any more.' 风中小筑听雨轩; w- Y( k- j# L1 }& n

( U5 Z, [3 {) U6 i' l1 B 风中小筑听雨轩Marguerite, tired by this long confession, settled back into the sofa and, to check a mild fit of coughing, put her handkerchief to her lips and even wiped her eyes. ) |7 {0 O. t) C0 Z: M1 L% G

& I4 B/ b5 H- {- ^3 c'Forgive me, forgive me, ' I murmured, 'I knew all this, but I wanted to hear you say it, my darling Marguerite. Let's forget the rest. Let's just remember one thing: we belong to one another, we are young and we are in love.
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'Marguerite, do with me what you will. I am your slave, your dog. But, in the name of God, tear up the letter I wrote you and don't let me go away tomorrow. It would kill me.' |情感论坛 |: i: w/ w! ^  H4 h1 C- g* d

. w/ E1 \% ]+ O. ]# GMarguerite withdrew the letter from the bodice of her dress and, as she handed it back to me, said with a smile of infinite sweetness: fz86.love.topzj.com! D; y3 s$ N* o) I8 e

% R4 ~8 l  @. W7 Q |情感论坛 |'Here, I was bringing it back to you.'
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I tore up the letter and, with tears in my eyes, kissed the hand which held it. - ]! |3 d- v8 P8 p
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At this juncture, Prudence reappeared. 4 y( g: H6 u; C2 H7 R" [
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'Oh, Prudence, can you guess what he wants me to do?' said Marguerite.
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'To forgive him.'
* z* z9 `, Z. c- q& a |情感论坛 |7 A; |$ G& T6 Z/ Z" w  u
'That's right.'
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'And have you?' fz86.love.topzj.com6 R$ `. u0 M+ q2 `/ U0 U

# o/ V' s. O, |'I can't do otherwise. But there's something else he wants.' . G1 w5 N: O4 K" b$ E6 C

* |2 x- A" H6 W8 n- H* V'What's that?' |情感论坛 |9 a6 r# _$ L3 M; e3 s9 ~2 v! f6 g
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'He wants to come and have supper with us.'
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: _( U+ |/ |5 b* }% K |情感论坛 |'And are you going to say yes?' ; n8 ?% l6 R8 [- c- e; r

  d* D% l8 f/ M  r  b0 n 风中小筑听雨轩'What do you think?'
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* z2 A! b# o) |0 `9 Y4 e6 b |情感论坛 |'I think you're a couple of children without an ounce of common sense between you. But I also think that I'm ravenous, and the sooner you do say yes, the sooner we'll have supper.' & k/ Y; K  o0 u) \7 }
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'Come on, then, ' said Marguerite, 'we can all fit into my carriage. By the way, ' she added, turning to me, 'Nanine will have gone to bed, so you'll have to open the door. Take my key, and try not to lose it again.'
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$ c/ H  W! U! t& C' i2 M |情感论坛 |I kissed Marguerite until she had no breath left.
6 ?$ @/ a7 H) G5 @9 e, C! Z1 u |情感论坛 |
, F* ?& i3 |! \$ mfz86.love.topzj.comThereupon, Joseph came in. , w0 m  y( [$ @+ z' R
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'Sir, ' he said with the air of a man terribly pleased with himself, 'the trunks are packed.' 风中小筑听雨轩! E2 y: _5 d( `" @% ^

7 G# \  I- E8 {+ g& b! {& G% x'All of them?' ( O  ~* P5 ?' E- ?1 |: ~

% M: Z9 j% h1 [- Q  \! \ 风中小筑听雨轩'Yes, sir.'
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3 S( ]! \# `) @'Well, unpack them. I'm not leaving.'

Chapter 16
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Chinese
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I COULD have told you the start of the affair in a few lines (Armand said to me), but I wanted you to see for yourself the events and stages by which we reached the point where I agreed to everything Marguerite wanted, and Marguerite conceded that she could live only with me. 风中小筑听雨轩* @; h( N, W3 q, Y) d! g6 Z; g- R; X( G! `

: y) v: x5 V! d8 `fz86.love.topzj.comIt was on the day following the evening when she had come seeking me out that I sent her Manon Lescaut. 风中小筑听雨轩8 p" N: u" P8 ]- |! [
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From that moment on, since I could not alter my mistress's way of life, I altered mine. More than anything, I wanted to leave my mind with no time to dwell on the role I had just accepted, for, despite myself, I should have been very unhappy with it. And thus my life, normally so calm, suddenly took on an air of riot and chaos. You must not imagine that the love of a kept woman, however disinterested, costs nothing. Nothing costs more than the constant capricious requests for flowers, boxes at the theatre, supper parities, outings to the country which can never be denied a mistress.
; r8 D  G0 ?; T9 c% O" K$ a$ U 风中小筑听雨轩8 |! l0 T& U. D/ q4 T7 j
As I have told you, I had no real money of my own. My father was, and still is, the District Collector of Taxes for C. He has a wide reputation for loyal service, thanks to which he was able to raise the money for the surety he had to find before taking up the post. The Collectorship brings in forty thousand francs a year and, during the ten years he has held it, he has paid off his bond and set about putting a dowry for my sister to one side. My father is the most honourable man you could hope to meet. When my mother died, she left an income of six thousand francs which he divided between my sister and myself the day he acquired the appointment for which he had canvassed; then, when I was twenty-one, he added to this small income an annual allowance of five thousand francs, and assured me that I could be very happy in Paris on eight thousand francs if, beside this income, I could establish myself in a position at the bar or in medicine. Accordingly, I came to Paris, read law, was called to the bar and, like any number of young men, put my diploma in my pocket and rather let myself drift along on the carefree life of Paris. My expenses were very modest. However, I regularly got through my year's income in eight months, and spent the four summer months at my father's place, which in all gave me twelve thousand a year and a reputation as a good son. And, moreover, I didn't owe anyone a penny. |情感论坛 |( R/ M& O8 h# @0 @- @1 p7 z

  k4 P# n! t, b6 L 风中小筑听雨轩That was how things stood with me when I met Marguerite.
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% I: S, x$ r# H; R9 ]; `/ }fz86.love.topzj.comYou will appreciate that, in spite of my wishes, my level of expenditure rose. Marguerite's was a most capricious nature, and she was one of those women who never consider that the countless amusements of which their life is made can be a serious financial drain. As a result, since she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible, she would write me a note in the morning to say that she would have dinner with me, not in her apartment, but in some restaurant either in Paris or in the country. I would collect her, we would dine, go on to the theatre, and often have supper together, and I would spend four or five Louis on the evening. Which came to two thousand five hundred or three thousand francs a month. Which shortened my year to three and a half months, and put me in the position of either having to run up debts or to leave Marguerite.
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Now I was prepared to agree to anything, except the latter possibility. 1 N8 n6 H' g0 W# Q  I& n

3 N& S8 r% b% cForgive me for telling you all this in such detail, but, as you shall see, these circumstances were the cause of the events which follow. The story I tell is true and simple, and I have allowed the unvarnished facts to stand and the onward march of events to emerge unobstructed. 风中小筑听雨轩+ d8 y4 e" P) j

5 d) a9 c6 q) f1 u* |* G" FI realized therefore that, since nothing in the world could weigh heavily enough with me to make me forget my mistress, I should have to find a way of meeting the expense which she forced me to incur. Furthermore, love had run such riot in me that every moment I spent away from Marguerite seemed like a year, and I felt the need to pass those moments through the flame of some passion or other, and to live them so fast so fast that I would not notice that I was living them at all.
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5 ]& V% M9 E: y& k |情感论坛 |I set about borrowing five or six thousand francs against my small capital and began to play the tables, for since the gambling houses were shut down, people have been gambling everywhere. Time was, when you went to Frascati, you stood a chance of winning a fortune: you played against a bank and, if you lost, you had the consolation of telling yourself you might have won. Whereas nowadays, except in the gaming clubs where you still find they are pretty strict about paying up, you can be fairly sure that if you win a large sum you won't see a penny of if. You will readily understand the reasons why.
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Gambling is only for young men who have expensive tastes and not enough money to keep up the kind of lives they lead. So they gamble and, in the natural way of things, this is the result: they may win, and then the losers are expected to foot the bill for these gentlemen's horses and mistresses, which is thoroughly disagreeable. Debts are contracted, and friendships begun around the gaming table end in quarrels from which honour and lives invariably emerge somewhat tattered. And if you are a gentleman, you may find you have been ruined by very gentlemanly young men whose only fault was that they did not have two hundred thousand francs a year.
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8 J# R9 Z! S# ~fz86.love.topzj.comThere is no need for me to tell you about the ones who cheat. One day, you learn that they have had to go away and that ?too late ?judgement has been passed on them.
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I accordingly threw myself into the fast-moving, bustling, volcanic life which once upon a time had frightened me when I thought of it, and which had now come to be in my eyes the inescapable corollary of my love for Marguerite. What else could I have done? - M9 `/ G5 b8 m3 U# f" K

! h3 S: a% X" v0 g7 qDuring the nights I did not spend in the rue d'Antin, I should not have slept if I had spent them alone in my apartment. Jealousy would have kept me awake and heated my thoughts and blood. On the other hand, gambling temporarily beguiled the fever which would otherwise have overrun my heart which was, thereby, diverted towards a passion fascinating enough to absorb me despite myself until the time came for me to go to my mistress. When that hour struck ?and this was how I became aware of how violent my love was ?then, whether I was winning or losing, I would abandon the table without compunction, feeling pity for those I left there who, unlike me, would not find happiness when they came to take their leave. 风中小筑听雨轩+ W( n: J0 x( Q- f; O; c

9 P5 y1 N8 V! |: {0 hFor most of them, gambling was a necessity; for me, it was a kind of antidote. |情感论坛 |: N( l1 S, Z" Y6 I  F  m7 I0 X: O
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When I was cured of Marguerite, I would be cured of gambling. 风中小筑听雨轩7 c1 h; p$ X) K% S4 @

$ n' u2 ?$ J9 ^4 ^And so, in the middle of it all, I was able to keep a fairly cool head. I lost only what I could afford, and won only what I could have afforded to lose. |情感论坛 |& C  T7 N# L& [( {
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Moreover, luck was on my side. I did not run up debts, and spent three times as much as before I started playing the tables. It was not easy to resist the allurements of a way of life which enabled me to cater for Marguerite's innumerable whims without feeling the pinch. For her part, she still loved me as much, and even more.
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2 e& l) C9 |  j! PAs I have told you I began at first by being allowed to stay only between midnight and six in the morning. Then I was allowed into her box at various theatres from time to time. Next, she came and dined with me occasionally. One morning, I did not leave until eight, and there was a day when I did not go until noon. 9 F: s0 p  N5 b  {* O0 _$ f0 @5 R+ E
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Pending her moral transformation, a physical transformation had come over Marguerite. I had undertaken to cure her, and the poor girl, guessing what I was about, did everything I told her as a way of showing her gratitude. Without too much trouble or persuasion, I managed to cut her off almost totally from her old habits. My doctor, whom I had arranged for her to meet, had told me that only rest and quiet could keep her in good health, and consequently, for the supper parties and late nights, I succeeded in substituting a healthy diet and regular sleep. Reluctantly at first, Marguerite took to her new life, the beneficial effects of which she could feel. And soon she began to spend odd evenings at home or, if the weather were fine, she would wrap up well in an Indian shawl, cover her face with a veil, and we would set off on foot, like a couple of children, to roam the evening away along the dusky avenues of the Champs-Elysees. She would return weary, take a light supper and retire to bed after playing a little music or reading a few pages, something which had never happened to her before. The coughing fits, which I had found heartrending whenever I heard her racked by them, had almost completely gone. 5 y$ u: s2 Y+ C  s
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Within six weeks, there was no further mention of the Count who had been permanently sacrificed. There remained only the Duke to compel me to hide my affair with Marguerite, and even he had often been sent away in my presence on the pretext that Madame was asleep and had left orders that she was not to be disturbed.
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8 ~  x6 h5 }1 ^3 u |情感论坛 |As a direct result of the habit of seeing me ?or rather the need to see me ?which Marguerite had contracted, I abandoned gambling at the precise moment when an experienced gambler would also have given up. All in all, with what I had won, I found myself in possession of twelve thousand francs which seemed an inexhaustible capital to me. 7 v+ Z' P& l" t' K, H( f
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The time of year had come round when I normally went off to join my father and my sister, and still I did not go. As a result, I received frequent letters from both of them asking me to come and stay with them.
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To all their entreaties, I answered as best I could, repeating that I was well and that I was not short of money, two considerations which, I believed, would go some way to consoling my father for delaying the start of my annual visit.
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* }  V. i4 H# }" G, ]Meantime, it came about one morning that Marguerite, who had been woken up by bright sunshine, leaped out of bed and asked me if I would like to take her out to the country for the day.
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* }5 D# K/ ^+ L/ i5 M. K( l+ s4 f 风中小筑听雨轩Prudence was sent for and the three of us set out, after Marguerite had left orders with Nanine to tell the Duke that she had wanted to make the most of the weather and had gone to the country with Madame Duvernoy. fz86.love.topzj.com3 g5 K3 {2 B2 r- P+ ^

* }" N/ G5 r& H0 w 风中小筑听雨轩Apart from the fact that the presence of la Duvernoy was necessary to set the old Duke's mind at rest, Prudence was the sort of woman who seems expressly cut out for country outings. With her unquenchable high spirits and insatiable appetite, she was quite incapable of allowing anyone she was with to be bored for an instant, and was more than likely to be an old hand at ordering the eggs, cherries, milk, sauted rabbit and all the usual ingredients of the traditional lunch for which the countryside around Paris is known.
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All that remained was to decide where we should go.
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Once again, it was Prudence who got us out of this difficulty. 6 f5 ]8 k7 P) f$ V" ^# z3 g

% u8 A' \9 a% \" d: ?) r) q'Is it the real country you want to go to?' she asked. * u# l5 K- L* D& l8 n

- F" ~5 f: z, j6 @4 M'Yes.'
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'Well, let's go to Bougival, to the Point du Jour. It's run by a widow named Arnould. Armand, go and hire a barouche.' |情感论坛 |9 O, M7 r$ ^1 o, M: Y) _
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An hour and half later we were in the establishment run by the widow Arnould.
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+ @$ z# |( N9 x. P7 mfz86.love.topzj.comPerhaps you know the inn I mean: it is a hotel during the week and pleasure garden on Sundays. From the garden, which is raised and stands as high as an ordinary first floor, you get a magnificent view. On the left, the Marly aqueduct commands the horizon; on the right, the view unfolds across a never-ending succession of hills; the river, which at this point hardly moves at all, stretches away like a wide ribbon of shimmering white silk between the plain of Les Gabillons and the lle de Croissy, and is rocked ceaselessly by the whisper of its tall poplars and the soughing of its willows. 风中小筑听雨轩$ ]1 @, Z" e  B: b" E8 z

: j6 p5 S* S9 k& U  y/ U: [fz86.love.topzj.comFar off, picked out in a wide swathe of sunlight, rise small white houses with red roofs, and factories which, shorn by distance of their grim, commercial character, complete the landscape in the most admirable way. 3 l- @3 l) R0 h) a1 D
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And, far off, Paris shrouded in smoke! ; T# S: |& e& O3 p* {- d
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As Prudence had told us, it was really the country and, I must say, it was a real lunch we had.
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It is not of gratitude for the happiness I have to thank the place for that I'm saying all this. Bougival, in spite of its unattractive name, is one of the prettiest spots you could possibly imagine. I have travelled a great deal and seen great sights, but none more charming than this tiny village cheerfully nestling at the foot of the hill which shelters it.
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; ?/ ?+ q8 ?. g' v5 a8 K1 t 风中小筑听雨轩Madame Arnould offered to arrange for us to take a boat out on the river, and Marguerite and Prudence accepted with alacrity.
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The countryside has always been associated with love, and rightly so. Nothing creates a more fitting backdrop to the woman you love than the blue sky, the fragrances, the flowers, the breezes, the solitary splendour of fields and woods. However much you love a woman, however much you trust her, however sure of the future her past life makes you, you are always jealous to some degree. If you have ever been in love, really in love, you must have expe