Chapter 23& q, b/ Y: B$ I4 F
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Chinese
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3 i2 j1 L5 G7 m |情感论坛 |WHEN I was something like myself once more, I could not believe that the new day which was dawning would not be exactly like all the days that had gone before. There were moments when I felt that some circumstance or other, which I could not remember, had obliged me to spend the night away from Marguerite, and that, if I returned to Bougival, I should find her waiting anxiously, just as I had waited, and she would ask me what had kept me from her.
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) ^' l  [% }4 E# V' T: q' p: rWhen your life has become so dependent on a habit as strong as our habit of loving, it hardly seems possible that the habit can be broken without also demolishing everything else which buttresses your life.
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+ l3 [8 D, }) kAnd so, from time to time, I was driven to reread Marguerite's letter, to convince myself that I had not been dreaming.
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$ F- @9 H2 _8 ]4 pfz86.love.topzj.comMy body, giving way under the nervous shock, was incapable of any kind of movement. The worry, my walk through the night and the morning's revelations had exhausted me. My father took advantage of my state of total collapse to ask me for my strict promise that I would go away with him.
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+ C. d. V3 [+ p% H |情感论坛 |I promised everything he asked. I was incapable of arguing, and stood in need of sincere affection to help me over what had happened.
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& g1 z6 v. x# a; RI was very glad that my father felt able to comfort me in my great sorrow.
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All I remember is that the same day, at about five o'clock, he put us both into a post-chaise. Without telling me, he had arranged for my trunks to be got ready and had them strapped along with his to the back of the carriage, and then he took me away with him.4 Z; P: y& Z: S$ z/ _- H, G" m2 Z
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I became aware of what I was doing only when the city had dropped behind us, when the empty road reminded me of the emptiness in my heart.
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3 D: W6 I2 K+ Z/ d9 _Then the tears got the better of me once more.fz86.love.topzj.com2 Q' b& R0 |5 _7 ]

! Q+ N) N. J2 a, u# a9 d& `+ k |情感论坛 |My father had sensed that words alone, even his words, could not comfort me, and he let me cry without saying anything, content to pat my hand from time to time, as though to remind me that I had a friend at my side.
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# l5 g9 S- S' y- X3 R5 nfz86.love.topzj.comThat night, I slept a little. I dreamed of Marguerite.& y' u5 k# `4 N, b3 b0 x8 L  o

; ]: W, Y: c) u7 O6 Mfz86.love.topzj.comI woke with a start. I could not understand what I was doing in a carriage.fz86.love.topzj.com. _# X9 D% }9 k0 L3 `

/ w9 N' t3 l7 l8 ^, Y3 d" }8 H0 QThen reality returned, and I let my head fall on to my chest.
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I dared not talk to my father, for I was still afraid that he would say: 'You do see I was right when I told you that woman didn't love you, '4 W6 k, |7 _3 j) \1 P& p

, V6 m) S+ h, ]8 i0 w2 KBut he took no unfair advantage of the situation, and we reached C without his having spoken save of matters completely foreign to the events which had led to my departure. |情感论坛 |5 E4 g. s5 h4 f7 I- D: r

% D9 ?' U9 l! k- E/ ^* sWhen I embraced my sister, I was reminded of the words in Marguerite's letter concerning her. But I saw at once that, however fine and good she was, my sister could never make me forget my mistress. # q0 o( t- \# ~1 s

8 p9 }$ r& [2 C+ W/ D' vfz86.love.topzj.comThe hunting season had begun, and my father thought that a spot of shooting might take my mind off things. So he organized hunting parties with neighbours and friends. I went along as unprotesting as I was unenthusiastic, in the mood of apathy which had characterized all my actions since my departure. 6 F. l; S6 @5 V) E2 C  y

2 Z* t5 }- g- tWe went out with beaters. I would be installed in my butt. Then I would put my unloaded gun beside me and let my mind wander. * d. y+ s4 q" |# N

" d8 h- C" [# j# T) LI watched the clouds pass over. I let my thoughts run wild over the deserted plains and, from time to time, would hear one of the hunters signalling that there was a hare not ten paces in front of me. 2 t9 C# t% x' ~& ]+ p

  z5 {% E, v4 T0 _1 U# C& s |情感论坛 |None of this escaped my father's notice, and he refused to allow himself to be taken in by my outward calm. He was quite aware that, however unmanned my heart was now, it could provoke a terrible, perhaps even dangerous reaction at any time, and, going out of his way to avoid giving the impression that he was consoling me, he did his utmost to occupy my mind with other things. 5 Q& ]  Y9 l+ h

- J: }" l* B( S. E" [: Z& q |情感论坛 |Of course, my sister had been told nothing of the events which had occurred. She thus found it difficult to under stand why I, who had always been so carefree, should suddenly have become so preoccupied and melancholy. 风中小筑听雨轩9 y) T7 ^% |: ~7 S# s. d0 U

' E$ o( k+ K" m, P' r( W4 vfz86.love.topzj.comSometimes in my sadness, catching my father's anxious eye, I would reach out to him and grasp his hand as though to ask a silent pardon for the unhappiness which, despite myself, I was causing him.
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0 K9 r6 ^6 d5 u4 c+ q) AA month went by in this manner, but a month was all I could bear. |情感论坛 |0 I1 A/ J: M- D5 c. L& |" h
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The memory of Marguerite pursued me wherever I went. I had loved that woman? still loved her? too much for her suddenly to cease to mean anything to me. Whatever feelings I might have for her now, I had to see her again. At once.
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" a# L$ A4 p! I% |% HThe longing to do so crept into my mind and took root there with all the force which the will displays when finally it reasserts itself in a body that has long remained inert.
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2 C- g: @# i$ Q% \8 q! T- J* L3 @' ?5 T3 d |情感论坛 |I needed Marguerite, not at some time in the future, not in a month nor a week from the moment the idea first entered my head, but before another day passed. I immediately went to my father and told him that I proposed to take my leave to attend to some matters which had called me back to Paris, but added that I would return promptly. 风中小筑听雨轩3 W; G& ], K% t' t( J
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He probably guessed the real reasons for my departure, because he insisted that I should stay. But, seeing that if my desires were thwarted, then in my present excitable state, the consequences might prove fatal to me, he embraced me and begged me, almost tearfully, to come back to him soon. - B' K7 q7 K5 a0 B, |% y
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I did not sleep all the way to Paris. fz86.love.topzj.com# O# F2 B- c" z( o. h; K

  q" b2 b7 V, I9 N* e+ Qfz86.love.topzj.comWhat would I do when I got there? I had no idea. But the first thing was to attend to Marguerite.
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I went to my apartment to change and, as it was fine and still not too late in the day, I went to the Champs- Elysees. " D5 }- j: S& p+ p5 f9 F4 ~

+ o& r3 G( }* G( u |情感论坛 |A half an hour later, in the distance, coming from the Rond-Point down to the Place de la Concorde, I saw Marguerite's carriage approaching.
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  n$ S0 n0 H' e; x/ u5 L/ o& Pfz86.love.topzj.comShe had bought back her horses, for the carriage was just as it used to be. Only she was not in it. fz86.love.topzj.com3 T  ^+ m6 B4 z/ q# z3 S# t; Z

% u9 i' U$ z: ?7 Y9 Efz86.love.topzj.comI had only just noticed that she was not inside when, looking round me, I saw Marguerite walking towards me in the company of a woman I had never seen before. # y$ q( K( ~# {' W7 `
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As she passed quite close to me, she turned pale and her lips contracted into an uneasy smile. As for me, my heart beat so violently that it took my breath away. But I managed to give a cold expression to my face and a cold greeting to my former mistress, who went back to her carriage almost at once and got into it with her friend.
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I knew Marguerite. Meeting me so unexpectedly must have thrown her into a state of great confusion. In all likelihood, she had got to hear of my departure which had set her mind at rest as to the consequences of our sudden parting. But, seeing me back and coming face to face with me, pale as I was, she had sensed that my return had a purpose, and must have wondered what was going to happen. % M  y0 C8 f) R; r+ w$ o! v

, s6 z- o4 Q6 K& T/ K9 `% ofz86.love.topzj.comIf, when I saw her again, Marguerite had been unhappy; if, in taking my revenge, there had also been some way of helping her ?then I might well have forgiven her, and would certainly never have dreamed of doing her any harm. But when I saw her again, she was happy, at least on the surface. Another man had restored her to the luxury in which I had been unable to keep her. Our estrangement, which she had initiated, accordingly acquired the stamp of the basest self- interest. I was humiliated both in my pride and my love: she was going to have to pay for what I had suffered. : q6 f% g1 H$ N) a8 x

  A' I% P$ |" R" i7 T7 { |情感论坛 |I could not remain indifferent to what she did now. It followed that the thing that would hurt her most would be precisely for me to show indifference. Indifference, therefore, was the sentiment which I now needed to feign, not only in her presence but in the eyes of others.
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I tried to put a smile on my face, and I went to call on Prudence.
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0 F. `. C( y" j' {5 F1 x3 A, { 风中小筑听雨轩Her maid went in to announce me, and kept me waiting briefly in the drawing-room. fz86.love.topzj.com/ Q7 Z0 y0 o4 B2 J

; b, ^+ i! |) |8 {* w5 Kfz86.love.topzj.comMadame Duvernoy appeared at length and showed me into her parlour. As I was about to sit down, I heard the drawing-room door open and a light footfall made a floorboard creak. Then the door to the landing slammed shut. |情感论坛 |. L+ n9 k+ w. C# t( b
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'I'm not disturbing you?' I asked Prudence.
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8 V1 Y1 K9 L, K# C- dfz86.love.topzj.com'Not in the least. Marguerite was with me. When she heard you being announced, she ran away. That was her just leaving.'
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9 q8 I; W- h' Z9 `'So now I scare her?'
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'No, but she's afraid you wouldn't relish seeing her again.
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'Why ever not? 'I said, making an effort to breathe freely, for my emotions were choking me. 'The poor creature left me so that she could get her carriage and furniture and diamonds back. She was quite right, and it's not for me to bear grudges. I ran into her earlier on, ' I went on nonchalantly.
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'Where?' said Prudence, who was staring at me and evidently wondering if this was the same man she had known so much in love.
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'On the Champs-Elysees. She was with another, very attractive woman. Who would that be?'
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'What's she look like? |情感论坛 |! Y( J3 _; c7 ~6 K9 B

+ I  s. a) {: }0 ]  qfz86.love.topzj.com''A blonde girl, slim. Had her hair in ringlets. Blue eyes, very fashionably dressed.'
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( Z1 P9 A. g' O; P; x'Ah! That's Olympe. Yes, she's a very pretty girl.'
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% ?6 z; H8 K) E0 |( o& {% o/ @fz86.love.topzj.com'Who's she living with?' * X3 B# f8 ]& @

1 O7 s. t+ v! g2 ~: c  Y  }* A'Nobody. Everybody.'
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/ Q' ~( ~9 c3 f* d) X+ S2 H; o  w |情感论坛 |'And her address?' + `7 ]$ f: s8 H6 |& N  k' K
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'In the rue Tronchet, number...Well, I declare! You want to take up with her?' |情感论坛 |5 f$ N  x- u2 z2 \1 C) N

! e6 `1 _. ~: p4 s/ |& ^ |情感论坛 |'You never know what can happen.' 风中小筑听雨轩# e2 \6 K# u+ b( k+ N
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'And Marguerite?'
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1 v9 w( P* {4 ~, ^% {- N'I'd be lying if I told you that I never think of her any more. But I'm one of those men who set great store by the way an affair is ended. Now Marguerite gave me my marching orders in such an offhand sort of way, that I was left feeling I'd been rather silly to have fallen in love with her the way I did? for I really was in love with her. '
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/ a  X  A! V7 C. N# H, SYou can guess in what tone of voice I tried to say all this: the perspiration was pouring off my forehead.
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'She loved you too, you know, and still does. You want proof? Well, after she met you today, she came straight round here to tell me all about it. When she got here, she was all of a tremble, almost ill she was.' : H( Q8 T% P3 G  U! K8 J
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'And what did she tell you?'
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: I0 h! z* g. D( h'She said: "I expect he'll come to see you," and she begged me to ask you to forgive her.'
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'I've forgiven her, you can tell her. She's a good girl, but she's a good- time girl, and I should have expected what she did to me. I'm grateful to her for making the break, because I wonder now where my idea that I could live exclusively with her would have got us. It was very silly.' $ D! m0 h9 j( S" _" S, F
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'She'll be very happy when she learns you took it like that when you saw she had no alternative. It was high time she left you, my dear. The rogue of a dealer she'd offered to sell her furniture to, had been to see her creditors to ask how much she owed them. They'd got cold feet and were planning to sell everything in another two days.' 风中小筑听雨轩. |3 ^1 j3 s, S; W- `/ m

0 ]5 N# f1 s/ v  y+ X" ~1 ~2 mfz86.love.topzj.com'And now, it's all paid back?'
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'Almost.' |情感论坛 |  s1 k. ~: }" ~* L& ~# @

  V" [% k: y, `# Y* o1 \2 c6 r3 ?'And who provided the money?' , Q3 F4 F- D: H

, a8 Y8 M* U( b5 M; j |情感论坛 |'Count de N. Listen, dear, there are men who were put in this would for paying up. To cut a long story short, he came up with twenty thousand francs ?but he's got what he wanted. He knows Marguerite doesn't love him, but that doesn't prevent him being very nice to her. You saw for yourself that he's bought back her horses and redeemed her jewels, and he gives her as much money as the Duke used to. If she's prepared to settle for a quiet life, then this is one man who'll stay with her for a long time. ' fz86.love.topzj.com6 t9 Y% t' N) ~. v7 \

# M% }! Y0 O2 q- \'And what does she do with herself? Does she stay in Paris all the time?'
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'She's never once wanted to go back to Bougival since the day you left. It was me that went down to fetch all her things, and yours too: I've made a bundle of them that you can send round for. It's all there except for a little pocketbook with your monogram on it. Marguerite wanted to have it, and she's got it with her in the apartment. If you want it particularly, I could ask for it back.' |情感论坛 |  G0 O) M# y: @2 D/ J

) A" {& q2 a$ y, b; M6 T* g7 e 风中小筑听雨轩'She can keep it, ' I stammered, for I could feel tears welling up from my heart into my eyes at the memory of the village where I had been so happy, and at the thought that Marguerite should want to keep something that had been mine and reminded her of me.
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9 u9 @. D- x. k: A3 efz86.love.topzj.comIf she had come into the room at that moment, all my plans for revenge would have collapsed, and I would have fallen at her feet.
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( \) p2 g! ]: f$ A'Mind you, ' Prudence went on, 'I've never seen her the way she is at the minute. She hardly sleeps at all, goes to every ball, eats late suppers and even has too much to drink. Just recently, after a supper party, she was in bed for a week. And when the doctor allowed her up, she started where she'd left off, though she knows it could kill her. Are you going to see her?'
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! s7 ]2 Q: S3 d1 o7 U8 A( |'What's the point? It was you I came to see, because you've always been extremely nice to me, and I knew you before I met Marguerite. It's you I have to thank for having been her lover, just as it's you I must thank for not being her lover any more. Am I right?' 0 i- r* A, w, v# K: V5 F8 D
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'Well, yes. I did everything I could to make her give you up, and I do believe that, in time, you won't think too badly of me.'
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'I owe you a double debt of gratitude, ' I added, getting to my feet, 'because I was getting sick of her when I saw how seriously she took everything I said: '
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'Are you going?'
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'Yes.' fz86.love.topzj.com& ?6 _2 o& ^) I. z6 ~% a  I0 L& l

. F% O+ s) r" o9 x+ e0 yI had heard enough. |情感论坛 |$ L* F/ |7 U6 {- N

+ F4 O. q2 g( o'When shall we see you again?' 6 j' K' t# n, X& Z# z

, J" j+ q( X1 R6 \7 \ |情感论坛 |'Soon. Goodbye.'
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: R8 m" P# ]. A* t'Goodbye.'
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Prudence saw me to the door, and I returned to my apartment with tears of rage in me eyes and a thirst for revenge in my heart. ; A1 {- Z! I& ~8 L
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So Marguerite was really a whore like the rest of them. So this fathomless love she felt for me had not held out for long against her wish to revert to her old life, and her need to have a carriage and indulge her taste for orgies.
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, Q1 g0 U8 x7 U  l# N2 K |情感论坛 |This is what I kept telling myself when I could not sleep, whereas, if I had thought about it as coolly as I made out, I would have seen Marguerite's new, wild behaviour as her hope of silencing persistent thoughts and burying recurring memories.
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But, alas, I was ruled by sour resentments, and thought only of finding a way of tormenting the poor creature. / y: z% Y7 ~) h# W
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Oh, how small, how vile is man when one of his petty passions is wounded! + J" H; P  v( `" W( d# H
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Olympe, the girl I had seen with Marguerite, was, if not a close friend, then at least the friend she had seen most of since returning to Paris. She was to throw a ball and, since I assumed Marguerite would be there, I set about getting myself an invitation, and got one.
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1 H/ U$ u& o0 D* N |情感论坛 |When I arrived, overflowing with painful emotions, the ball was already in full swing. People were dancing, there was a great deal of shouting and, during one of the quadrilles, I saw Marguerite dancing with Count de N who looked inordinately proud to be showing her off, as though he were declaring to the assembled company:
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'This woman belongs to me!'
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I went and leaned against the mantelpiece, just across from Marguerite, and watched her dance. She grew flustered almost the moment she noticed me. I indicated that I had seen her, and acknowledged her perfunctorily with a wave of the hand and a look of recognition.
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When I thought that, after the ball, she would be leaving, not with me, but with that wealthy oaf, when I pictured what would very likely happen after they got back to her apartment, the blood rushed to my face and I felt a need to upset the course of true love. 4 b* r" z, {( Q0 t% s( a+ ^8 F% L
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When the quadrille was over, I went over and said good evening to the hostess who, for the benefit of her guests, was displaying a dazzling pair of shoulders and much of her magnificent breasts.
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: a( u) Z: _7 T; lShe was a beautiful girl, more beautiful, in terms of her figure, than Marguerite. This was brought home to me even more forcibly by certain glances which Marguerite cast towards Olympe as I was speaking to her. The man who became this woman's lover could be every bit as pleased with himself as Monsieur de N, and she was beautiful enough to start a passion the equal of the one which Marguerite had inspired in5 R$ |  o: D( }4 r  p6 V$ ]
me.
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At that time, she had no lover. It would not be difficult to remedy that. The trick was having enough gold to fling about in order go get oneself noticed.
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* [4 G4 G! A2 i# D1 @2 d/ B# \My mind was made up. This woman would be my mistress. : ~4 q5 K8 V( U' H3 v0 L* q, B

- Y$ h$ h: ^3 SI took the first steps in my initiation by dancing with Olympe. fz86.love.topzj.com6 ]" R) Z, Z5 X' k  u1 P

- x4 b6 N* e1 O! W |情感论坛 |Half an hour later, Marguerite, pale as death, put on her fur-lined cape and left the ball.

Chapter 24
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IT was something, but it was not enough. I knew what power I had over her, and took cowardly advantage of it.
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& e+ @; K+ S6 Q! ]  `! RWhen I reflect that she is dead now, I wonder if God will ever forgive me for the hurt I caused her. 7 t0 X/ m- u! t6 B+ o7 D) Z- K! [
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After supper, which was very rowdy, people began to gamble. fz86.love.topzj.com5 ?, w3 V$ R* B$ L) f

  T4 z8 Z: E3 C/ r0 EI sat next to Olympe, and bet my money so boldly that she could hardly fail to notice. In a trice, I won a hundred and fifty or two hundred louis which I spread out in front of me; she stared at them with eager eyes.
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I was the only person there who was not totally absorbed by the play, and I alone paid her any attention. For the rest of the night, I went on winning, and it was I who gave her money to gamble with, for she had lost everything she had on the table in front of her, and most probably all the money she had in the house. & ?, M3 [1 X! A/ I& U
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People started to leave at five in the morning. fz86.love.topzj.com9 {2 P' b! `$ R! R0 J8 {# g7 h

5 M% V6 P8 D% l  B& yfz86.love.topzj.comI had won three hundred louis.
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All the gamblers had gone downstairs. Only I had stayed behind. No one noticed, for none of the other gentlemen were friends of mine.
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Olympe herself was lighting them down the staircase, and I was about to go down like everyone else, when, turning back to her, I said:
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/ h1 _' K8 @9 b7 q1 e'I must speak to you.' |情感论坛 |; K6 w6 @0 ]% A6 R& A
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'Tomorrow, ' she said.
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1 O7 D; g" d; ]3 G( J 风中小筑听雨轩'No. Now.' fz86.love.topzj.com" u. d3 N  N2 Q& Q) Y3 t+ n
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'What is it you want to say?'
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'You'll see.' 风中小筑听雨轩. U$ A- X0 n2 g4 V; _/ \

$ s5 a2 \1 {# C& B, P2 E% jfz86.love.topzj.comAnd I went back into her apartment.
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'You lost, ' I said.
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) ^8 U  s1 \. \1 q6 Q3 z'Yes.'
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7 W: s8 s7 w" q4 u5 @0 O6 k+ ^'Everything you had here?' fz86.love.topzj.com% g* I1 E# f- Q- U: [

3 }5 P0 Y( ~5 @& d |情感论坛 |She hesitated. |情感论坛 |9 N& t; @* D# O& x6 R9 U6 e

, w) O$ z7 |3 p3 j6 M8 u# u- ] 风中小筑听雨轩'Speak frankly.' fz86.love.topzj.com1 x% j2 ?2 u9 {4 h3 ~
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'Oh very well, you're right.' 风中小筑听雨轩% t! n8 X6 {& X) B1 I' T
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'I won three hundred louis. They're yours, if you let me stay.' % T# i. Z  L7 S! z

/ `5 }; o9 Y  c9 i |情感论坛 |And, as I spoke, I tossed the gold on to the table.
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'Why the offer?'
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'Because I love you, dammit!' + F: G7 A% t  j- \0 X; n$ R8 E+ c- M

6 Z9 e$ }& ~1 Z) ^% xfz86.love.topzj.com'No so. Because you're in love with Marguerite and want to have your revenge by becoming my lover. You can't fool a woman like me, you know. Unfortunately, I'm still too young and too beautiful to accept the role you propose.' |情感论坛 |& _, E) P7 R, u9 I( I

1 ?6 u$ Q, a4 w'So you refuse?'
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'Yes.' fz86.love.topzj.com; L9 |9 `- O/ V1 U, p
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'Would you rather have me for love than money? If so, I should be the one to refuse. Think, my dear Olympe. If I'd sent somebody or other along to offer you these same three hundred louis on my behalf and on the same terms that I have set out, you would have accepted. I preferred to deal with you directly. Say yes, and don't look for motives behind what I'm doing. Keep telling yourself that you're beautiful, that there's nothing surprising in the fact that I'm in love with you.' fz86.love.topzj.com# H5 W6 U* ]! o& U, f$ ]( N3 m
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Marguerite was a kept woman like Olympe, and yet the first time I saw her, I would never have dared say to her what I had just said to this woman. The difference was that I loved Marguerite, and had sensed instincts in her which were lacking in this other creature who, for all her very great beauty, even as I put the arrangement to her and prepared to agree terms, sickened me.
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/ t# Q. L6 X; w4 ~3 T- a0 L5 HIn the end she consented, of course, and when I walked out of her apartment at noon, I was her lover. But I slipped from her bed carrying away no memory of the caresses and loving words which she had felt obliged to lavish on me in exchange for the six thousand francs which I left for her. # ?( C# q5 Q! N. I  Y6 P- Z
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And yet men had ruined themselves for that woman. fz86.love.topzj.com6 o+ q& ]0 T# m# ^7 ?3 A/ J$ c

2 D* H) ]3 s  V; W5 x- w* {/ LStarting from that day, I subjected Marguerite to constant persecution. Olympe and she stopped seeing each other: you can easily understand why. I gave my new mistress a carriage and jewels, I gambled and, in a word, committed all the follies which a man in love with a woman like Olympe normally commits. Rumours of my new passion spread at once.
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4 @* p# D/ K, p. C. H |情感论坛 |Even Prudence was taken in by them and ended up believing that I had completely forgotten Marguerite. Marguerite, either because she guessed the motive which drove me or because she was deceived like everyone else, responded with great dignity to the slights I inflicted on her every day. Yet she appeared to be ill, for everywhere I met her I found her looking paler and paler and increasingly sad. My love for her, exalted to the point where it felt as though it had turned to hate, revelled in the spectacle of her daily sufferings. Several times, in situations where I behaved with unspeakable cruelty, Marguerite looked at me with such imploring eyes that I reddened at the role I had chosen to play, and came near to asking for her forgiveness. / Z3 M+ x+ Z, t* G7 H" B( \# ?. ?! b

, q0 e" N7 a& V% D$ Y4 p* I" KBut my repentance never lasted longer than a flash of lightning. Besides, Olympe, who in the end had set aside all thought of self-respect and realized that by hurting Marguerite she could get anything she wanted out of me, constantly set me against her and, whenever she had the chance, insulted her with the relentless cowardice of a woman who has the backing of a man.
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4 w$ w, ?- |& p1 o" E; o |情感论坛 |Finally, Marguerite stopped going either to the ball or the theatre for fear of meeting Olympe and me. Then the direct insults were replaced by anonymous letters: there was nothing too shameful which I did not urge my mistress to put about nor too despicable which I did not myself spread concerning Marguerite.
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6 ]! q0 r! P7 @0 p4 s) wI must have taken leave of my senses to allow affairs to come to such a pass. I was like a man who has got fighting drunk and falls into an uncontrollable rage in which his hand is quite capable of committing a crime without involving his mind. In the midst of it all, I went through torment. The way Marguerite reacted to all my attacks? with a calmness that was as free of scorn as her dignity was of contempt? made her my superior even in my eyes, but served only to provoke me further. 风中小筑听雨轩' ]- Y6 g$ n! q. r! g; N

1 D0 D' x. e9 T3 c8 A 风中小筑听雨轩One evening, Olympe had gone out somewhere and met Marguerite who, on this occasion, did not spare the stupid girl who insulted her, and things reached the point where Olympe was forced to back down. She came back seething. Marguerite, who had fainted, had to be carried home.
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As soon as she came in, Olympe told me what had happened. She said that when Marguerite had seen that she was by herself, she had wanted revenge because Olympe was my mistress. She said that I had to write a letter saying that, whether I was with her or not, the woman I loved was to be respected. fz86.love.topzj.com: W5 @) M* F6 ~8 N; z& ^

5 r) `1 _/ x5 a) {0 c6 \I have no need to tell you that I agreed. I put everything bitter, shameful and cruel I could think of into that missive which I sent to her home address that same day.
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This time, the cut went too deep for the unhappy girl to be able to bear it in silence.
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I was confident that a reply would be delivered. Accordingly, I was determined not to go out all that day.
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. O: L) N. |; G4 G1 ?. B4 Z |情感论坛 |Around two o'clock, there was a ring at the door and Prudence was shown in. fz86.love.topzj.com8 U! z' r$ r, Y. W

* ~8 R3 [5 _2 Pfz86.love.topzj.comI tried to appear unconcerned as I asked her to what I owed her visit. But that day Madame Duvernoy was in no mood for laughter and, sounding terribly upset, she pointed out that since my return, that is for the last three weeks or so, I had not missed an opportunity to hurt Marguerite. It was making her ill. The scene the night before, and the letter I'd sent that morning, had forced her to take to her bed. . _8 J+ c/ Z4 R  M' a: I7 ~
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And so, without framing a single reproach, Marguerite had sent to ask for mercy, informing me that she no longer had either the emotional nor physical strength to endure what I was doing to her. ) n# \! i4 O( h% z6 z- ^; P) g0 x
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'If Mademoiselle Gautier, ' I told Prudence, 'wishes to close her door to me, then she is perfectly entitled to do so. But that she should insult a woman I love on the ground that the woman is my mistress, is something which I shall never tolerate.'
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'My dear, ' said Prudence, 'you're being ruled by the influence of a heartless, thoughtless, common girl. You love her, it's true, but that's no reason for tormenting a woman who can't defend herself.' fz86.love.topzj.com" c2 _( m: Y9 q/ s. I! n* z
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'Let Mademoiselle Gautier send her Count de N to me and the game will be even.' 4 [4 N7 |( D& k5 ?
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'You know very well she'll never do that. So let her be, dear Armand. If you saw her, you'd be ashamed of the way you're behaving towards her. She's got no colour, and she's coughing. She's not long for this world now.' 3 @- r; }- [) f
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Prudence held out her hand to me and added:
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'Come and see her. A visit from you will make her very happy.'
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'I have no wish to meet Monsieur de N.'
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'Monsieur de N is never there. She can't stand him.'
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1 K7 x" A$ e% J% A9 X  {6 nfz86.love.topzj.com'If Marguerite really wants to see me, she knows where I live. She can come here. But I shall never set foot in the rue d'Antin.' |情感论坛 |/ V4 Y7 J1 m2 h; H7 j4 M& E
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'And you'd be nice to her?' |情感论坛 |  a3 }' E0 y' n
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'I'd behave perfectly.'
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'Well, I'm sure she'll come.' ! G% c. N+ u0 ^4 u6 V

5 [. v. @' Y; G4 gfz86.love.topzj.com'Let her.' 4 ~0 D4 |# ?: E) k  ^- d1 v% H
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'Are you going out today?' ' P4 ~+ y* @! f; _
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'I shall be home all evening.' 6 z" e; H/ Z8 n8 n
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'I'll go and tell her.'
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0 \! a: H3 ~4 BPrudence left. |情感论坛 |. Z2 ~' r8 I- _# v$ q" Z9 [

8 b7 Z6 ?% b0 PI did not even bother to write and let Olympe know that I should not be going to see her. I behaved pretty much as I liked towards her. I hardly spent one night a week with her now. She found consolation with, I believe, an actor from one or other of the Boulevard theatres. ! H5 P8 j8 b; r' x( }2 H! [
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I went out for dinner and came back almost immediately. I had fires lit in every room and told Joseph he would not be needed.
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I could not give you any sort of account of the various thoughts which troubled my mind during the hour I waited. But when I heard the doorbell, at around nine o'clock, they all came together in one emotion so powerful that, as I went to open the door, I was obliged to lean against the wall to prevent myself falling.
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Fortunately, the hallway was only half-lit, so that the change in my features was less noticeable.
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, h6 y- ^' e# m9 e, x; U0 nMarguerite came in.
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She was dressed entirely in black and wore a veil. I could only just make out her face beneath the lace.
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+ N7 P% ^  V6 N" RShe walked on into the drawing- room and lifted her veil.
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/ I! X3 o8 J/ ]- I, k1 fShe was as pale as marble. |情感论坛 |# o5 @) m/ s) r- m  M- U

- ?" l$ A* d" j7 d  q, H6 ^/ e |情感论坛 |'Here I am, Armand, ' she said. 'You wanted to see me. I came.'
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And, lowering her head which she took in both hands, she burst into tears. 风中小筑听雨轩- X2 v/ n' G  r- Z* G& M

1 U& f! m' H( g8 r6 |% YI went up to her. |情感论坛 |1 }5 s* T6 W6 z3 s

0 j- U, E0 x, x8 G2 f- p7 q& Y5 x'What is it?' I said falteringly. 风中小筑听雨轩7 q2 Z! D, X5 i/ s$ R( A
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She pressed my hand without replying, for the tears still dimmed her voice. But a few moments later, having regained something of her composure, she said:
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'You have hurt me a great deal, Armand, and I never did anything to you.'
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'Never did anything?' I replied, with a bitter smile. , p& Z+ g" d: U; n7 z7 z

* L3 _1 H; {. r3 n3 }  Nfz86.love.topzj.com'Nothing, except what circumstances forced me to do to you.'
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5 W0 S# T# [7 Z& O4 a! @9 N2 yfz86.love.topzj.comI do not know if you have ever experienced in your life, or ever will, what I went through as I looked at Marguerite.
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4 d  Z5 I/ e# d7 t4 A  wThe last time she had come to my apartment, she had sat in the same chair where she was now sitting. But since those days, she had been another man's mistress; other kisses than mine had brushed those lips towards which my own were now involuntarily drawn. And yet I felt that I loved her no less, and perhaps even more, than I had ever loved her.
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1 s% w% p( t$ dfz86.love.topzj.comHowever, it was difficult for me to broach the subject which had brought her. Most likely Marguerite understood this, for she went on:
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2 B/ t* U( }" N0 Q" f'My coming here will be tiresome for you, Armand, for I have two requests to make: your forgiveness for what I said to Mademoiselle Olympe yesterday, and your mercy for what you may still be thinking of doing to me. Whether you wanted to or not, you have hurt me so much since your return that I should not now be able to stand a quarter of the emotions which I have borne up to this morning. You will have pity on me, won't you? And you will remember that there are nobler things for a good man to do than to take his revenge against a woman as ill and as wretched as I am. Come. Take my hand. I am feverish: I left my bed to come here to ask, not for your friendship, but for your indifference.'
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As she asked, I took Marguerite's hand. It was hot, and the poor woman was shivering beneath her velvet cloak. 4 u: R1 @+ Q, h6 K) K) H- N5 ]3 h, Z* q
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I rolled the armchair in which she was sitting nearer the fire.   r7 z1 x& ]. }1 `
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'Do you imagine that I didn't suffer, ' I resumed, 'that night when, after waiting for you in the country, I came looking for you in Paris where all I found was that letter which almost drove me out of my mind? 0 J% w# G, A  f9 n2 Q$ K
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'How could you have deceived me, Marguerite? I loved you so much!'
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8 W$ c% t0 G$ }+ Q. A1 p* z9 S'Let's not speak of that, Armand, I did not come here to speak of that. I wanted to see you other than as an enemy, that's all, and I wanted to hold your hand once more. You have a young, pretty mistress whom you love, so they say be happy with her and forget me.' |情感论坛 |5 F6 f' J$ {  N$ F2 T, a/ H5 f4 ]
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'And what of you? I suppose you're happy?' |情感论坛 |/ ]/ E% c: ]4 _" q! _' ?

0 H: Z' d. b7 @9 u1 W, ] |情感论坛 |'Have I the face of a happy woman, Armand? Don't mock my sorrows, for you should know their cause and extent better than anyone.' ) t. `( r' C. Y# z. }6 e- X

- G; G( ~. U- X8 hfz86.love.topzj.com'It was entirely up to you never to be unhappy, if, that is, you are as unhappy as you say.' 0 k; L3 @; i- X$ @; ]/ }8 P3 d: @

5 j% g& p6 a4 i# h& h |情感论坛 |'No, my friend, circumstances were too strong for my will. I did not follow my immoral instincts as you seem to be saying, but obeyed a solemn injunction and yielded to arguments which, when some day you know what they were, will make you forgive me.' |情感论坛 |/ o; Z2 D* y  ?' f! Q
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'Why not tell me now what these arguments are?'
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'Because they would not bring us together again, for we can never be together again, and because they might alienate you from those from whom you must not be alienated.' fz86.love.topzj.com5 ~( ~: A2 V8 @1 g7 q

0 R: c4 b' w0 W1 w- J1 o6 P |情感论坛 |'Who are these people?'
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4 @% k: Q5 V: @0 b/ D/ B7 cfz86.love.topzj.com'I cannot tell you.'
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'Then you're lying.' |情感论坛 |0 S% T" t! s/ E6 _' q6 W/ I
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Marguerite stood up and walked to the door. * Q7 d) P0 t" E' J

% q6 u5 u5 L" \, M) X, ~* xI could not stand by and watch such silent, expressive grief without being moved by it, when my mind's eye I compared this white-faced, weeping woman with the high-spirited girl who had laughed at me at the Opera-Comique. fz86.love.topzj.com. }( J- ?5 p! Y2 X; L
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'You shall not go, ' I said, thrusting myself against the door. 风中小筑听雨轩. Z- G6 X( X, v

2 I: y3 M7 E3 L! {7 E'Why not?' |情感论坛 |- `3 \7 @, ^% X  L# C
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'Because in spite of all you've done to me, I still love you and want to keep you here.'
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'So that you can throw me out tomorrow, is that it? No, it's out of the question! Our destinies are separate, let's not try to unite them, for them you might despise me, whereas now you have no choice but hate.' |情感论坛 |2 K# ]2 T+ V3 r' Z! T# V- q8 w

9 }4 x0 _9 F: `  y$ ~'No, Marguerite, ' I exclaimed, feeling all my love, all my desires awaken with her nearness, 'No, I shall forget all that is past, and we will be happy, as we promised we would.'
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Marguerite shook her head uncertainly, then said:
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'Am I not your slave, your dog? Do with me what you will. Take me, I am yours.'
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1 @0 A4 a7 R8 Wfz86.love.topzj.comAnd removing her coat and her hat which she flung on to the sofa, she began feverishly unloosing the bodice of her dress, for, her condition deterioriating suddenly, as often happened in her illness, and with the blood rushing from her heart to her head, she was having difficulty breathing. fz86.love.topzj.com( `4 j+ M( N% F- R, s- f  x

: P( _: M  a! Q5 }+ D0 kfz86.love.topzj.comThere followed a bout of dry, hoarse coughing. |情感论坛 |; j+ n) z/ c3 M6 H% f! g" v  u# \6 {
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'Have my coachman told, ' she went on, 'to drive my carriage home.' 3 k- u. T( ^8 F
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I went down myself to dismiss the man.
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When I returned, Marguerite was lying in front of the fire, and her teeth were chattering with cold. fz86.love.topzj.com( R& o. L7 ~+ |( n8 w1 M

! d* `- j7 N# t* P% l& H7 p% Q/ Afz86.love.topzj.comI took her in my arms, undressed her where she lay without stirring, and carried her icy body to my bed. 风中小筑听雨轩- x$ M6 D2 ~$ l* \/ f
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Then I sat by her side and tried to warm her with my caresses. She did not speak, but she smiled at me.
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5 m' Z+ E% Z+ w4 I |情感论坛 |Oh! How strange was the night that followed! The whole of Marguerite's life seemed to be concentrated in the kisses she lavished on me. I loved her so intensely that, in the transports of my loving frenzy, I wondered whether I should not kill her so that she would never belong to anyone else.
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A month of such loving, body and soul, would be enough to bury most people.
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/ }! G( z/ N" t% M) o3 m& n 风中小筑听雨轩Day found us both awake. ' F- Y' D- u1 p- m

; ~8 G/ z  n& m- U" o0 i) s 风中小筑听雨轩Marguerite was ghastly pale. She did not utter a word. From time to time, large tears flowed from her eyes and halted on her cheeks where they glistened like diamonds. Her weary arms opened now and then to hold me fast to her, and then fell back lifelessly on to the bed. 风中小筑听雨轩' Y- C8 T1 z, G: _
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For a moment, I thought I could forget everything that had happened since the moment I had left Bougival, and I said to Marguerite:
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+ {9 @& i6 i5 _ 风中小筑听雨轩'Would you like us to go away, to leave Paris?' ) X, \% H* {. l
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'No, no!' she said, near to panic, 'we should be too wretched. There's nothing I can do now to make you happy, but as long as I have breath in my body, I will be the slave of your every whim. Whatever time of day or night you want me, come to me: I shall be yours. But you mustn't go on trying to link your future with mine. You'd only be too unhappy, and you would make me very wretched. $ |/ @; ^  N/ D0 _  J7 W6 q- {( ^& H

% u: H0 y6 {: \( C" l' @0 p'I'll keep my looks for a little while longer. Make the most of them, but don't ask any more of me.'
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6 N  X5 m0 t5 N( @1 [# m6 rWhen she had gone, I felt frightened by the loneliness to which she had abandoned me. Two hours after her departure, I was still sitting on the bed she had just left, staring at the pillow which bore the imprint of her head, and wondering what should become of me, torn as I was between love and jealousy.
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At five o'clock, without having any clear idea of what I would do when I got there, I went round to the rue d'Antin.
5 `1 _! r, s2 K9 N 风中小筑听雨轩6 s, S3 y  [' }
It was Nanine who opened the door. 风中小筑听雨轩! W3 F; k; {4 b1 c4 F

- p! z, P6 x- U0 r# Dfz86.love.topzj.com'Madame cannot see you now, ' she said, with some embarrassment.   r9 K8 u/ T4 ]* p# w: D) e

6 j& g/ x! B5 M( T'Why not?'
+ C: B0 E$ b, b, L: t# _fz86.love.topzj.com
1 O, F, i, L6 U1 v+ \6 @3 i$ pfz86.love.topzj.com'Because Count de N is with her, and he doesn't want me to let anyone in.'
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2 |0 [% H  v2 Z' P, G'Oh, of course, ' I stammered, 'I'd forgotten.' 1 X$ I( S" Y/ n
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I returned home like a man drunk, and do you know what I did in that moment of jealous frenzy which lasted only long enough for the disgraceful action which I was about to commit, can you guess what I did? I told myself that this woman was making a fool of me, I pictured her locked in inviolable intimacies with the Count, repeating to him the same words she had said to me that night, and, taking a five hundred franc note, I sent it to her with this message:
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( U4 P. e% A( ]fz86.love.topzj.com'You left so quickly this morning that I forgot to pay you. The enclosed is your rate for a night.' fz86.love.topzj.com$ U- [  B! Z, G2 u

1 K* }$ _( I, `0 T1 V0 g' XThen, when the letter had gone, I went out as though to escape from the instant remorse which followed this unspeakable deed.
0 Z  W* l9 y" y- H! n |情感论坛 |% J# K2 F5 g! Z: y% r7 e. y3 p2 ^: T
I called on Olympe and I found her trying on dresses. When we were alone, she sang obscene songs for my amusement. ! u- l3 s: ]$ }. R; h

( q8 F9 p5 }$ }: b. k* O: P$ TShe was the archetypal courtesan who has neither shame nor heart nor wit? or at least she appeared so to me, for perhaps another man had shared with her the idyll I had shared with Marguerite.
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She asked me for money. I gave it her. Then, free to go, I went home.
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Marguerite had not sent a reply. 风中小筑听雨轩% H! O! n: ]! Q* y7 o

+ @( V2 J# R( z' WThere is no point in my telling you in what state of agitation I spent the whole of the following day.
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( w- l# r0 x& l; v! U$ M0 s1 T  wAt half past six, a messenger brought an envelope containing my letter and the five hundred franc note, but nothing else. $ E" r( s9 U# H4 T4 ]. ~1 O* w8 Q

" K) F$ X+ |3 @3 ^4 n! pfz86.love.topzj.com'Who gave you this?' I said to the man.
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* S% t) h+ H' C'A lady who was leaving on the Boulogne mail coach with her maid. She gave me orders not to bring it until the coach was clear of the depot.' ) U  A; P$ \0 w/ `
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I ran all the way to Marguerite's apartment.
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'Madame left for England today at six o'clock, ' said the porter in answer to my question.
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' |* p3 G8 A/ @! O0 HThere was nothing now to keep me in Paris, neither love nor hate. I was exhausted by the turmoil of these events. One of my friends was about to set off on a tour of the Middle East. I went to see my father and said I wished to go with him. My father gave me bills of exchange and letters of introduction, and a week or ten days later I boarded ship at Marseilles. 2 h3 B* [5 Q9 l9 L; F( O: h  D
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It was at Alexandria, through an Embassy attache whom I had occasionally seen at Marguerite's, that I learnt about the poor girl's illness. ! T5 x6 c9 [: K* T) b# ~
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It was then that I sent her the letter to which she wrote the reply you have read for yourself. I got it when I reached Toulon.
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& @/ K2 U7 A% {- g, n  WI set out immediately and you know the rest.
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9 @& r: }4 V, d% ]All that remains now is for you to read the papers which Julie Duprat kept for me. They are the necessary complement of the story I have just told you.

Chapter 25
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Chinese
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ARMAND, wearied by the telling of his long tale which had been frequently interrupted by his tears, placed both hands on his forehead and closed his eyes? either to think or to try to sleep? after giving me the pages written in Marguerite's hand.   o1 l. j$ X) d2 [6 I
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Moments later, a slight quickening in his breathing told me that Armand had been overcome by sleep, but sleep of that shallow kind which the least sound will scatter. / o( `2 `  ~* q) i

5 {1 z6 R4 Z' I# ~fz86.love.topzj.comThis is what I read. I transcribe it without adding or deleting a single syllable:
3 a8 w6 R: q3 s% ?% z$ x8 Bfz86.love.topzj.com
3 b3 M% r1 f1 ~" d! S  G* ^) l'Today is the 15th December. I have been ill for three or four days. This morning, I took to my bed; the weather is dull and I feel low. There is no one with me here. I think of you, Armand. And you, where are you now as I write these lines? Far from Paris, far away, I've heard, and perhaps you have already forgotten Marguerite. But be happy, for I owe you the only moments of joy I have known in my life.
% X6 R1 t, R/ o% a9 y0 E  x |情感论坛 |fz86.love.topzj.com) x$ |* X9 l1 S0 f. {" z) n
I could not resist the temptation of wanting to explain why I behaved as I did, and I wrote you a letter. But, coming from a loose woman like me, any such letter may be regarded as a tissue of lies unless it is sanctified by the authority of death, in which case it becomes a confession rather than a letter.
$ r, Q8 k6 c! H8 ? 风中小筑听雨轩  [+ _4 z/ q% [1 R. g% i: }- Z8 s
Today I am ill. I may die of my illness, for I always had a feeling that I would die young. My mother died of consumption, and the way I have lived up to now can only have aggravated a complaint which was the only legacy she left me. But I do not want do die without your knowing how you stand with me ?if, that is, when you get back, you still feel anything for the sorry creature you loved before you went away.
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$ D  Y7 Y0 [9 ?Here is what was in that letter which I shall be happy to write out again, for in so doing I shall convince myself anew that I am vindicated. fz86.love.topzj.com7 N9 i( b  ]5 l5 x% p$ E* I

! l8 k& R* ~, R! h6 |; Rfz86.love.topzj.comYou remember, Armand, how startled we were at Bougival by the news of your father's arrival; you recall the blind terror his coming prompted in me, and the scene that took place between the two of you which you described to me that evening. |情感论坛 |# R. [5 R! V( K
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The next day, while you were in Paris waiting for your father who never came back, a man came to the house and handed me a letter from Monsieur Duval. |情感论坛 |6 P& r/ u$ T+ u) [, v
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The letter, which I enclose with this, begged me, in the gravest terms, to find an excuse for getting you out of the way the following day, and to agree to a visit from your father. He had something to say to me, and was most particular that I should say nothing to you about the step he had taken.
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1 k; N4 @7 W1 L3 v7 j 风中小筑听雨轩You recall how insistent I was, when you got back, that you should return to Paris again the next day. |情感论坛 |, R+ k2 J& j* M4 r& U8 N7 I
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You had been gone an hour when your father arrived to see me. I will spare you an account of what I felt when I saw the stern expression on his face. Your father believed implicitly in the conventional truths according to which every courtesan is a heartless, mindless creature, a kind of gold-grabbing machine always ready, like any other machine, to mangle the hand that feeds it and crush, pitilessly, blindly, the very person who gives it life and movement. 风中小筑听雨轩7 @& d. W3 J' O# G6 w
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Your father had written me a very proper letter to persuade me to see him; when he came, his manner was somewhat at variance with the way he had written. There were enough slights, insults and even open threats in his opening words for me to give him to understand that he was in my house, and that the only account of my life I owed him was dictated by the genuine affection I felt for his son. 风中小筑听雨轩" c7 A; H' H6 A1 _

! A. u4 `, ?5 y) l/ _5 {7 pMonsieur Duval moderated his tone a little, yet even so he began saying that he could no longer permit his son to go on ruining himself for me. He said I was beautiful, there was no denying it, but however beautiful I was, I ought not to use my beauty to destroy the future of a young man by expecting him to foot the bill for my extravagance. 5 m# p( e4 s9 _: x; A0 o; _

8 H( ^( I9 |7 ?) i0 w+ WNow there was only one way of answering that, was there not? and that was to prove that all the time I had been your mistress, no sacrifice had been too great for me to make so that I could remain faithful to you without asking for more money than you could afford to let me have. I showed the pawn-tickets, the receipts given me by people to whom I had sold items I could not pawn; I told your father that I had decided to get rid of my furniture to pay my debts, and that I was determined to live with you without being a drain on your purse. I told him how happy we were. I told him how you had shown me a more tranquil, happier kind of life and, in the end, he conceded that he was in the wrong, and he gave me his hand, asking my pardon for the manner in which he had behaved at first.
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Then he said:
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& I0 R8 u& r( p: E# l 风中小筑听雨轩"In that case, madame, it shall not be with remonstrations and threats, but with humble entreaties that I must try to persuade you to make a sacrifice greater than any you have so far made for my son."
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4 T* v6 e2 H( b- FI trembled at these preliminaries. fz86.love.topzj.com4 f7 {; G% o& L( q! h3 e! e+ f
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Your father drew closer to me, took both my hands in his and, in a kindly voice, went on: - \6 l  V# q/ k' e: [( q
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"Child, you are not to take amiss what I am about to say to you. Please understand that life sometimes places cruel constraints upon our hearts, but submit we must. You are good, and you have generous qualities of soul unknown to many women who may despise you but are not to be compared with you. But reflect that mistresses are one thing and the family quite another; that beyond love lie duties; that after the age of passion comes the time when a man who wishes to be respected needs to be securely placed in a responsible station in life. My son's means are slender, and yet he is prepared to make over all his mother left him to you. If he accepts the sacrifice which you are about to make, then his honour and dignity require that, in return, he would relinquish his legacy which you would always have to fall back on should things go hard. But he cannot accept your sacrifice, because people, who do not know you, would misinterpret his acceptance which must not be allowed to reflect on the name we bear. People would not bother their heads about whether Armand loved you, whether you loved him or whether the love you have for each other meant happiness for him and rehabilitation for you. They would see only one thing, which is that Armand Duval had allowed a kept woman ?forgive me, child, the things I am obliged to say to you ?to sell everything she possessed for his sake. Then the day of reproaches and regrets would dawn, you can be sure of it, for you both just as it would for them, and the pair of you would have a chain around your necks which you could never break. What would you do then? Your youth would be gone, and my son's future would have been destroyed. And I, his father, would have received from only one of my children the return to which I look forward from both of them.
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% }) P: x. N; K7 [. W5 z2 u2 b"You are young, you are beautiful: life will heal your wounds. You have a noble heart, and the memory of a good deed done will redeem many past actions. During the six months he has known you, Armand has forgotten all about me. Four times I have written letters to him, and not once has he answered. I could have been dead for all he knew!
7 w# n0 F! F) q; S1 L5 b6 q7 I$ U' m" f0 f1 A5 [2 ^8 a. f; m
"However determined you are to lead a different kind of existence, Armand, who loves you, will never agree to the retiring life which his modest means would force you to live, for seclusion is no state for beauty like yours. Who knows what he might do! He has already taken to gambling once, as I discovered, and without saying anything to you, as I further discovered. But in a wild moment, he could easily have lost part of what I have been putting aside this many a year for my daughter's dowry, for him, and for the peace of my old age. What might have happened once might still happen.
. Y: \7 U) n# w( j' t4 c |情感论坛 |1 ?( d. |# Y# n- k. m/ \+ z6 [& p8 z$ y
"Besides, can you be sure that the life you'd be giving up for him would never attract you again? Are you certain that, having fallen in love with him, you would never fall in love with anyone else? And, not least, will you not suffer when you see what limitations your affair will set upon your lover's life? You may not be able to console him as he grows older if thoughts of ambition follow the dream of love. Reflect on all these matters, madame. You love Armand. Prove to him in the only way now open to you ?by sacrificing your love to his future. Nothing untoward has happened thus far, but it will, and it may be much worse than I anticipate. Armand may become jealous of some man who once loved you; he may challenge him to a duel, he may fight, he may even be killed, and consider then what you would suffer as you stood before a father who would hold you accountable for the life of his son. 3 d4 j: |8 v8 @& K/ O
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"Finally, child, you should know the rest, for I have not told you everything: let me explain my reason for coming to Paris. I have a daughter, as I have just said. She is young, beautiful and pure as an angel. She is in love, and she too has made love the dream of her life. I did write and tell Amand all about it, but, having thoughts for no one but you, he never replied. Well, my daughter is about to be married. As the wife of the man she loves, she will enter a respectable family which requires that there should be nothing dishonourable in my house. The family of the man who is to be my son-in-law has discovered how Armand has been living in Paris, and has declared that the arrangement will be cancelled if Armand continues to live as he does at present. The future of a child of mine who has never harmed you and has every right to look forward to life with confidence, is now in your hands.
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+ g' Q! S& Y' A+ B# `, bfz86.love.topzj.com"Do you have the right to destroy her future? Are you strong enough to? In the name of your love and your repentance, Marguerite, give me my daughter's happiness."
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9 Q( v7 M- F1 S* [8 q- n, |7 A" j& _I wept in silence, my dear, as I listened to all these considerations which had already occurred to me many times, for now, on your father's lips, they seemed even more pressing and real. I told myself all the things your father dared not say, though they had often been on the tip of his tongue: that I was, when all was said and done, nothing but a kept woman, and whatever I said to justify our affair would sound calculating; that my past life did not qualify me to dream of the future; and that I was taking on responsibilities for which my habits and reputation offered absolutely no guarantee. The truth was that I loved you, Armand. The fatherly way in which Monsieur Duval spoke, the pure feelings he aroused in me, the good opinion of this upright old man which I should acquire, and your esteem which I was certain I would have some day, all these things awoke noble thoughts in my heart which raised me in my own estimation and gave a voice to a kind of sacred self- respect which I had never felt before. When I thought that this old man, now begging me for his son's future, would some day tell his daughter to include my name in her prayers, as that of a mysterious benefactress, I was transformed and looked on myself with pride. - {, k1 ]' I0 v' A3 a" v
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In the heat of the moment, the truth of what I felt may perhaps have been exaggerated. But that is what I felt, my dear, and these unaccustomed feelings silence counsels prompted by the memory of happy times spent with you. |情感论坛 |6 B$ f. U( {3 u
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"Very well," I said to your father as I wiped away my tears. "Do you believe that I love your son?"
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"Yes,"said Monsieur Duval.
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"That money does not come into it?" |情感论坛 |: v9 \( w6 p$ e2 Z; d! c$ y

8 c. u2 N) A) g! s# q, l0 p"Yes." ) _; {" [! \9 S$ b$ m- @
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"Do you believe that I had made this love of mine the hope, the dream of my life, and its redemption?"
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% z* X; v8 [; `# o, k"Absolutely.
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"Well, Monsieur Duval, kiss me once as you would kiss your daughter, and I will swear to you that your touch, the only truly chaste embrace I ever received, will make me stand strong against my love. I swear that within a week, your son will be back with you, unhappy for a time perhaps, but cured for good." fz86.love.topzj.com5 k: \3 T+ A' \- ]2 _  O3 \

( G8 x& v" R( W* c 风中小筑听雨轩"You are a noble-hearted young woman," your father replied, as he kissed my forehead, "and you are taking upon yourself a task which God will not overlook. Yet I fear that you will not change my son's mind."
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4 r5 J, ~4 b$ K1 G" d& x( b"Do not trouble yourself on that score, Monsieur Duval: he will hate me." |情感论坛 |1 [% ~( z8 U5 C6 B- g" `
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A barrier had to be erected between us which neither of us would be able to cross. * E# `' M7 |$ q* V2 Z9 Q
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I wrote to Prudence saying that I accepted Count de N's proposition, and said that she could go and tell him I would have supper with them both.
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2 G( d8 }, Q3 l& `" ?I sealed the letter and, saying nothing of what it contained, I asked your father to see that it was delivered the moment he got back to Paris.
$ Y7 A* m1 R3 W) h4 H* {: D5 W- r |情感论坛 |
0 M! D$ S" F7 H$ t; REven so, he enquired what was in it.
$ [7 S7 n0 u2 } 风中小筑听雨轩fz86.love.topzj.com; [% v3 x- L- y- Q, O: p4 l3 |
"Your son's happiness,"I answered. 2 B2 F6 f/ o  u5 A# \1 ~( d, b

" k' u$ |+ L6 C5 S  [Your father embraced me one last time. On my forehead, I felt two tears of gratitude which were, so to speak, the waters of baptism which washed away my former sins and, even as I consented to give myself to another man, I shone with pride at the thought of everything that this new sin would redeem.
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# \$ G) ^% K' ?! x0 t& j# ~8 `5 MIt was all quite natural, Armand. You once told me your father was the most upright man anyone could hope to meet.
. Y* R( e! p7 _) h1 D" r' j |情感论坛 | 风中小筑听雨轩6 A0 W0 D' K! B) [- E$ M8 S& {* m7 F
Monsieur Duval got into his carriage and drove off. 0 Z9 m& |; r# ~  ^' X% H+ e

3 g" }* ]4 j" D7 ] |情感论坛 |Yet I was a woman, and when I saw you again, I could not help weeping. But I did not weaken.
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+ @' b- `+ S# H9 m |情感论坛 |Was I right? That is the question I ask myself today when illness forces me to take to my bed which I shall perhaps leave only when I am dead.
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6 i" P# T- p" g. Q 风中小筑听雨轩You yourself witnessed all that I suffered as the time for our inevitable separation drew near. Your father was not there to see me through, and there was a moment when I came very near to telling you everything, so appalling was the idea that you would hate and despise me. 风中小筑听雨轩: f9 \3 I/ q& r" W4 c* R0 ^  I: C
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One thing that you will perhaps not believe, Armand, is that I prayed to God to give me strength. The proof that He accepted my sacrifice is that He gave me the strength I begged for.
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During the supper party, I still needed His help, for I could not bring myself to face what I was about to do, such was my fear that my courage would fail me!
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7 y# ^6 S9 c7 i0 K4 s7 mWho would ever have told me that I, Marguerite Gautier, would be made to suffer such torment by the simple prospect of having a new lover? |情感论坛 |6 n* J9 ^. Q) w( w# t4 `7 k1 w4 J
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I drank to forget, and when I woke next morning, I was in the Count's bed. 7 R; a* d; y) h$ r7 v

1 [' I8 u0 O( u" U3 ? |情感论坛 |This is the whole truth, my dear. Judge now, and forgive me, as I have forgiven all the hurt you have done me since that day.'

Chapter 26
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Chinese
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; n$ B. a" z/ mWHAT ensued after that fatal night, you know as well as I do. But what you do not know, what you cannot suspect, is what I went through after the moment we parted. 5 Q% u7 B4 @+ k

7 ?+ `1 r4 ~9 e. ]$ H4 _! o. cfz86.love.topzj.comI had heard that your father had taken you away, but felt sure that you would not be able to go on keeping your distance for long, and the day I ran into you on the Champs-Elysees, I was stunned but not really surprised. . y2 r2 F9 q! \2 y
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And so began the sequence of days, each with some new insult from you which I suffered almost gladly. For not only was each indignity proof that you still loved me: I also felt that the more you persecuted me, the nobler I should appear in your eyes on the day you finally learned the truth.
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Do not be surprised that I should have borne my cross gladly, Armand, for the love you felt for me had aroused noble inclinations in my heart.
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" m) e+ s/ G& p/ t: ZBut I did not have such strength of purpose at the outset. 8 r% _% M3 e; G
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Between the consummation of the sacrifice I had made for you and your return, a fairly long time went by when I needed to fall back on physical means as a way of preserving my sanity and of drowning my unhappiness in the life to which I had reverted. I believe Prudence told you how I never missed a party or a ball or an orgy.
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' j6 @1 Z7 ?3 {7 k" NMy hope was that I should kill myself quickly with my excesses, and I think that this hope will not now be long in being realized. Of necessity, my health deteriorated steadily, and the day I sent Madame Duvernoy to beg for your mercy, I was close to collapse in both body and soul.
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. K' C% ]' V& R, r3 `/ Z2 E& X 风中小筑听雨轩I will not remind you, Armand, of the way you repaid me the last time I proved my love to you, nor of the indignity by which you made Paris unbearable for a woman who, near to dying, could not resist your voice when you asked her for one night of love, and who, taking leave of her senses, believed for an instant that she could build a bridge between what had been and what was now. It was your privilege, Armand, to act as you did: the rate for one of my nights was not always so high!
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So I left it all behind me! Olympe replaced me as Monsieur N's mistress and took it on herself, so I hear, to explain my reasons for leaving him. Count de G was in London. He is one of those men who attach just enough importance to running after girls of my sort for it to be a pleasant diversion, and thus remain on friendly terms with the women they have had: they never hate them, because they have never been jealous. He is one of those noble Lords who show us one side of their feelings but both ends of their wallets. My first thought was of him. I travelled over to join him. He gave me a marvellous welcome, but he was the lover of a society lady there, and was afraid of compromising himself by being seen with me. He introduced me to his friends, who organized a supper party for me, after which one of them took me home with him.
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What did you expect me to do, my dear? Kill myself? To do so would have meant burdening your life, which must be a happy one, with pointless self-recriminations. And in any case, what is the sense of killing yourself when you are already so close to dying? $ H" y' a0 X. ?: w( G
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I turned into a body without a soul, a thing without thought. I continued in this mechanical way for some time, then came back to Paris and made enquiries about you. It was at this point that I learned that you had gone away on a long journey. There was nothing now to save me. My life once more became what it used to be two years before I met you. I tried to get back on terms with the Duke, but I had wounded him too deeply, and old men are short on patience, no doubt because they are aware that they are not going to live forever. My illness grew on me day by day. I had no colour, I felt desolate, I became thinner all the time. Men who buy love always inspect the goods before taking delivery of them. In Paris, there were many women whose health was better, and who had better figures than mine. I began to be overlooked. So much for the past, up to yesterday.
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' d' r* e' \( G! r! }; I- ?& E( fI am now very ill. I have written to the Duke asking for money, for I have none, and my creditors have returned brandishing their accounts with merciless persistence. Will the Duke give me an answer? Armand, why are you not here in Paris? You would come to see me and your visits would be a comfort. 1 Z, P& s0 o2 e  I* ]# o) U

) p7 w  B; o2 [( u4 ~4 o: E: g20 December
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! F' [$ _7 M1 W& U# }2 V0 \/ bThe weather is dreadful: it's snowing and I am here alone. For the last three days, a fever has laid me so low that I have been unable to write to you. Nothing has changed, my dear. Each day I have vague hopes of a letter from you, but it does not come and probably never will. Only men are strong enough to be unforgiving. The Duke has not replied. & E# M1 o# b. M9 k- ~3 t
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Prudence has started up her visits to the pawn-shops again. , J" X1 ^' k. s7 R# N1 L- w' ?0 X' }2 N

1 y$ S" [- n; T% {0 WI cough blood all the time. Oh! how you would grieve if you could see me now! You are so lucky to be where the sun is warm and not to have to face, as I do, an icy winter which lies heavy on your chest. Today, I got up for a while and, from behind the curtains at my window, I watched the bustle of life in Paris which I do believe I have put behind me once and for all. A few faces I knew appeared in the street: they passed quickly, cheerfully, without a care. Not one looked up at my window. However, a few young men have called and left their names. I was ill once before and you, who did not know me and had got nothing from me except a pert answer the day I first set eyes on you, you came to ask for news of me every morning. And now I am ill again. We spent six months together. I felt as much love for you as a woman's heart can contain and give, and now you are far away, you curse me and there is no word of comfort from you. But it was chance alone that made you desert me, I am sure, for if you were here in Paris, you would not leave my bedside nor my room. - _1 |( O9 G/ x7 J: z; v4 ^! R
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25 December / _2 B- X* [" d( s: e( A7 p7 [% g
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My doctor has forbidden me to write every day. He is right, for remembering only makes the fever worse. But yesterday I received a letter which did me good ?more for the sentiments behind it than for any material help it brought me. So I am able to write to you today. The letter was from your father and this is what it said:
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"Madame, I have this moment learned that you are ill. If I were in Paris, I should call myself to ask after you, and if my son were here with me, I should send him to find out how you are. But I cannot leave C, and Armand is six or seven hundred leagues away. Allow me therefore simply to say, Madame, how grieved I am by your illness, and please believe that I hope most sincerely for your prompt recovery.
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3 ?0 h7 e5 _  ~3 q |情感论坛 |One of my closest friends, Monsieur H, will call on you. He has been entrusted by me with an errand the result of which I await with impatience. Please receive him, and oblige
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Your humble servant?
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This is the letter I have received. Your father is a man of noble heart: love him well, my dear, for there are few men in the world who deserve as much to be loved. This note, signed by him in full, has done me more good than all the prescriptions dispensed by my learned doctor.
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+ J# Q4 E5 b1 U6 @& \; ? |情感论坛 |Monsieur H came this morning. He seemed terribly embarrassed by the delicate mission which Monsieur Duval had entrusted to him. He simply came to hand over a thousand ecus from your father. At first, I would not take the money, but Monsieur H said that by refusing I should offend Monsieur Duval, who had authorized him to give me this sum in the first instance and to supplement it with anything further I might need. I accepted his good offices which, coming from your father, cannot be regarded as charity. If I am dead when you return, show your father what I have just written about him, and tell him that as she penned these lines, the poor creature to whom he was kind enough to write this comforting letter, wept tears of gratitude and said a prayer for him. fz86.love.topzj.com4 F, `- b$ ^7 ?- I

/ K0 ~: b5 }$ X! ^) y' I |情感论坛 |4 January |情感论坛 |4 i2 V  G' ?# N9 k& A

% o0 m/ i4 S, C' AI have just come through a succession of racking days. I never knew how much pain our bodies can give us. Oh! my past life! I am now paying for it twice over!
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, K  h% q7 |- F0 b" O$ v2 Z; n 风中小筑听雨轩I have had someone sitting with me each night. I could not breathe. A wandering mind and bouts of coughing share what remains of my sorry existence. 风中小筑听雨轩6 k/ J6 W6 @. d<